Pendulum: Finding Center

I ache for beauty, but I am only aware of the ashes right now. I feel the cold coming with it's lonely darkness, and in part I yearn for the sun to come again. But I find myself hiding from the little sunlight that still shows itself. I am afraid that I've become a hypocrite. Words pour out of me in wisdom that isn't mine and I am changing. But alone, I feel the same.

What is permanent and eternal? What is going to last? I have no answers. But I'm still trying to define what surrounds me. I can't accept that some answers are for tomorrow, and so I spend tired nights trying to make it all make sense. Will it ever make sense?

Am I throwing my pearls at swine or am I trusting more deeply? Am I getting Better or becoming ordinary? Am I comfortably numb or faithfully complacent with what you've given so far? Am I believing for Better still, or am I just settling with indifference? Where is the center? I don't want to be an extremist.

I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid I will be forgotten in the rush of things and that I will slip while no one is watching. But I don't want to be a part of the crowd anymore.

Remind me that I am never alone. Remind that you're still watching. Teach me balance.

Believing For Better

I hate watching as the ones I love the most are making the mistakes I had to learn from. It hurts me and it’s disappointing to think that the prayers I’ve been saying might just be bouncing off the sky. Do you hear me pleading for them, Faithful One?

You promised me that I could ask for anything and that it would be done according to your will. Is it your will to watch them die? I don’t think it is… So why haven’t you shown them the way out? I know I can’t blame you though… they have to say yes before you can actually move in their lives… I know from experience.

But I can’t make them choose. And You can’t make them choose. And so it feels hopeless. I feel like my heart is breaking as I watch her pick at lettuce… as I watch him take another hit. It’s not fair. I feel righteous indignation rising up in me. I am angry because they are attacked and I can’t rescue them. I feel helpless and I hate knowing that all I can do is wait on Your Spirit. I feel like I am feeling Your pain. Like I am feeling Your heartache. And I'm reminded that I asked for that, so I can't complain.

I am recognizing that I have control issues. And if it were up to me, I’d find a way to lead them back to you this instant. I’d find a way to show them that you are Truth and Freedom. I wish they could see it in my life, but I’m afraid I have failed in those regards because I’ve failed to remain consistent. I have to remember that I am not a savior.

How do I show them you want something better when I’m only just now choosing better? I want them to realize the authority and power that comes with your name. I want them to know the fullness you bring and the void you are capable of filling.

Help me be an example, but more than that, help me be loving and gentle. Help me love them the way you do. Show me when to speak and when to listen. Give me Your words, because they are the only words of Life.

I need you to hold my heart because it's shattering at the thought that all of this might be falling apart. I am believing for so much of a miracle. And I know you're not too small for that. But I feel doubt creeping in. I don't want to doubt you. I want to believe you're doing something bigger than my imagination. I need a sign. Tell me that you hear me crying, Abba.

Maybe Ignorance is Bliss?

I can't collect my feet. I feel like I've completely face planted in this thing called life. I don't want to keep trying, but I don't want to lay here on the ground forever either. I thought I was figuring things out... It started out as such a slow walk, but it grew into a race and I was excited to see myself moving forward. Now I feel like I've come to a complete halt. I feel like there are things I'll never get past and that I'll never quite be alright.

She told me I was a liar- as if I didn't already know I had lied. But somehow that just reminded me of all the times before when I was reminded of who the original liar was and how they compared me to him. I was reminded all over again of the pain they caused me. And even though it wasn't all my fault, I had to take all the blame. And I don't want to take the blame for this.

She told me my absense would be noticed, but I don't believe here. I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference if I am around or not... I don't think I'm really that valuable. I'm just another number and when I'm gone, another person could replace me easily. I want to be alone.

She told me I wanted to be sad and asked me why. She said if I just laughed, it would make my brain happier. And it made me feel insulted. Like she was calling me stubborn or childish. I didn't want to be happy. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to reflect on my pain for a moment. I wanted to wrap myself in it and dull myself into it until it was a comfortable shell keeping me from them. And when she called me out, it made me feel even more like I wanted to run away.

It would be easy to run, to make the great escape, to numb myself and walk away from feeling. It would be easy to be selfish and avoid reconciliation. It would be easy to pretend like everything is alright all of the time. I want things to be easy.

But I know too much to believe that it's alright to do what's easy all of the time. It's like I've been let in on the secret to it all... and knowing that secret means I should have it all together now. But to be honest, I don't have it together at all. I found the secret, but the secret is that it's hard. It's really hard. And the secret is, that it takes sacrifice and commitment. And I think I might be too selfish for that.

I wish I never knew the truth. I wish I could blindly do what's easy and believe it was okay.

Taking Hold of Eternal Things

I feel something changing within me. A new, heightened sense of awareness for what is really eternal and what is only temporary. I feel myself aching to cling to what matters, but still you are prying from my clutched hands the now I struggle to let go of. You are reminding me of phrases long forgotten but so full of truth. "You are headed towards uncharted territory," she told me once. And I remember in that moment only wanting to be held. But she was challenging me instead. I was too afraid to accept that challenge then. But now I think I'm almost ready. "You will be a voice to the nations, a messenger of God," they prophesied over me. And while it sounded great, I missed the point that being a voice and a messenger is a privilege that would only come once I learn to be a servant first.

You flooded my dreams with visions of what could be, and You have been working to make me sensitive to Your Spirit. I am beginning to tell the difference between what I feel and what You want me to know. I am learning temperance. But I am desiring more than anything to possess the gentleness that You find so precious. I am longing to embrace silence long enough to let You speak to me and long enough to be able to hear others and really listen to them. I am desiring to love relentlessly those who seem so unlovable by this world's standards. I want people to know that they matter.

I am learning what it means to be an alien and a wanderer in a land I can't call home. And I am understanding that my citizenship is not in any earthly nation, but with Your Kingdom that is to come. I don't belong here. And that makes me feel so lonely. Though I have family waiting with me to be taken Home too, I feel like we are all alone together... this loneliness lingers. This longing. I am longing for my Husband. I am longing to be with you. To be held by You, dear One. I find myself craving the safety I know will only come within the walls of your Kingdom.

How can I live with eternity as my focus when the temporary is all that seems to surround me? Can you teach me to recognize eternity in the things I am encountering daily? Can you teach me to live as though you're coming back to get me tomorrow? I want to be found ready, blameless, and standing firm. I want you to find me living dead to myself. I want to take the beautiful love you've lavished on me and share it with those who need it. I want to give up the temporary conveniences that I have been relying on and take hold of eternal things now.

Unpacking Everything

I've lived my life with carefully packed boxes. Everything has always been neatly tucked away and organized, conveniently placed in a strategic way, easy to pick up and run again when things become too much to handle. Everybody has baggage, and I learned after many attempts to unpack in the wrong places that it is safest just to keep the zippers locked tight and the tape untampered with. I concluded that people don't really care about the things I've hidden- they prefer them packed away because then life can look neater.

But now you're asking me to unpack and you're reminding me that real life is messy. You are transforming my ideology that opened boxes are disturbing and unwelcome. "You are home," You tell me, "It's time to unpack." And so I started unpacking.

I took out my depression; I took out my razor blades. I took out my past hurts and broken relationships. I took out my poetry and I took out my comfort blanket called selfishness. I unpacked what I called garbage, thinking you might see it and decide instead to leave my luggage alone... but you're bigger than that, I realize now.

You began to dust off my selfishness and turned it into honest self-assessment. You took my scars and, once dusted off, turned them into arms that hug. You dusted off my depression and gave me passion for the broken. You took my broken relationships and replaced them with the ability to forgive. Everything ugly that I unpacked, you called beautiful and redeemed...

But I still have a box left unopened.

Now we are staring at the box labeled "for the future." And you're asking me to show you what's  inside. You already know though... Germany, money, a nice house, financial stability, marriage, family, graduation with honors... El Camino and California. These have been my dreams for so long. These are already good things, right? I'm not sure if I want to risk you dusting those off too because everytime you've dusted things off, you've changed them. My dreams are safe from change in their box.

But I said I didn't want to just settle for good. I said I didn't want safe and comfortable. I said I was willing to let you change my future. Was that just lip service?

Why is it so easy for me to let you redeem my past but I won't let you touch my future? Why do I want you to interfere with the now, but I won't let you give me your plans for tomorrow?

I guess I've never fully unpacked before... and this is hard because I like things neat and organized... I've grown to like my boxes with their tape and "for my eyes only" signs. I've grown to like my plans and my ideas of what tomorrow should look like. Can you change that though? I want to unpack everything for you. I want to be home to stay this time. Change my heart so I can give up this box too.

Saying Yes

She told me that true love is saying yes before you even know the question. And that thought stuck with me for the rest of the day. I feel like I've told You yes... but I feel like it was only temporary. I said yes in  my current circumstances and I said yes because the question was clearly articulated. But what if saying yes isn't just for the now? What if it's for the eternal, for the unseen, for the questions you haven't asked me yet? Am I willing to say yes to that? I want to be.

I feel like you're asking something of me. And I have been waiting for the question to be clear before I decided how to answer. But I'm struck with the idea that maybe you're waiting for my answer first.

I told her I felt like I was in the freezer section at Target. I feel like I am looking for my favorite ice cream flavor, and I can't see it because the automatic lights only come on when I'm close enough to the door for the censor to signal... I feel like I'm passing by a lot of great flavors. Good things. But there just not mine to have. If I stopped and settled for Vanilla because I can't see my favorite, it'll still be ice cream and I'll still have dessert... but it won't be as satisfying as the mint chocolate chip... even if I can't see it yet, I have to trust it's just a few doors down and keep moving.

I don't want to settle. I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to be okay with letting the ordinary suffice. I want the extraordinary. I feel like you're asking me to say yes to that. But in saying yes to that, what am I really agreeing to? What is the extraordinary? That's what I don't know and that's what has held me back from telling you I'm okay with it.
I refuse to keep being held back by fear though. I refuse to let the unknown keep me from reaching for what you have for me. I don't want to identify myself with a plan or with a GPA or degree. I don't want to be identified by what I do or what I like. I want to be identified by you. And I want you to direct my steps.

I have realized that I'm okay if by saying yes to that, I have to say no to everything else.

Partial Thoughts

Fragmented phrases have become me. I know what I want to say, but I cannot decide how to express it. I feel myself reaching, straining to find the most appropriate word, but in my groping, I grasp only wind and I feel myself losing control. I am sinking. But I said I wouldn’t sink again. I’d like to believe this is progress, and I’d like to believe that somehow things are getting better. But when I look in the mirror I see the same dim reflection of someone who might have been alive once. Who am I becoming? Have I painted on the mask required to fit a certain role? Or am I becoming someone more beautiful? No. I feel myself becoming like a chameleon, throwing on the right colors to belong, and changing with the scenery. What color will I wear tomorrow?

My thoughts are incomplete. Words enter my mind in code, as though I’m catching only glimpses of a frequency. I can’t hear the whole story, and so I feel as though there’s something missing- missing in me, missing in my life, missing in my relationships. Why am I so careless? Why do I put myself in conversations that don’t produce life? Why do I spend time worrying about things that don’t matter at all?

Real as Morning

In the glowing dust of dawn I see you. As the city slowly wakes to taste another bitter day, in the glistening morning dew drops on my window, you smile at me. I feel a stirring, a longing to embrace you. Barefoot, I gently glide across the grass, the tiny blades of life tickle me, and catch my feet with tender mercy, their soft crisp crunch beneath me sing a song of sweet forgiveness. Your voice comes to me in the breeze. As you flow effortlessly through the branches and archways, I long to give you an answer, to acknowledge your ever growing presence- growing like the swelling sun before me. I feel your gentle nudge on my shoulder from the wind: "come speak to me." My voice starts in an unsure whisper, but soon fades to nothing because I am afraid. I am afraid if we don't have enough time, the time we do have won't matter. I'm afraid if you begin something, this day's distractions will make your impact obsolete. Have I forgotten your greatness?

What if I let you change me? What if I stepped away from this crippling fear that torments me with words like "worthless" and I let you move me to a place of boldness? Could you really use me to move mountains? is there really a chance that the life I'm living now pales in comparison to the life you have for me? Perhaps. But this faith in me gives way to fear and I feel myself slipping again.

Come to me, faithful one, because I don't have the strength to come after you. I feel so boxed in, claustrophobic, like I can't climb over these walls surrounding me. Take over my life. I need you to be as real as morning is to me.  Fill up my heart with your words and overwhelm me with your beauty and strength. Help me see that fear is a lie. Help me claim the truth of boldness. Give me your spirit. Give me the faith and boldness to step out and stand up for something greater, something more. Help me believe what my eyes haven't seen yet.

Tug O' War

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like there's a wall separating me from them. And it seems so crazy because I know they care about me. I know they love me. But I'm afraid that since I'm no longer a priority, that I've become nothing somehow. I don't know how to just be present. I don't think I want to be present. I want to run away. I want to hide out. I want to blame my busy schedule for being absent... But I know if I do that, it won't be long until they're all concerned. I don't want to be a cause for concern. I don't want to be a burden. But I don't want to be around them either.

I don't know why I want to be alone. But I don't want to be at every meeting. I don't want to be at every prayer group. I don't want to sit with them at lunch and I don't want to talk to them between classes. I don't want to text message them and I don't want to reply to their messages. I want to be by myself... I want time to think and consider. I want to find out if everything I believe about you is because of them or if it's really because of you. I want to know that if I don't have them, that I can still have all of you. I want to know that when I'm alone, that I'm not lonely.

I don't want to depend on them to find you. I don't want to need them. I want to enjoy them. I don't want to find my identity in them. I want to find my identity in you only. I'm afraid I haven't quite figured out where they end and you begin for me. I don't think I've discovered yet what it means to live for you and to be with you and to want you. I feel like I'm playing the same old games and I don't want to lose anymore. I don't want to climb a ladder of acceptance; I want to rest in you.

I believe a separation is necessary for me to discover for myself who it is that you are to me and what it is you're asking me to be for you. I believe a moment without them, without the schedule, without the expectations is exactly what I need to figure out if I've really found you or just another image.

I am beginning to see how human they really are, and I'm beginning to feel the pain in that. I'm beginning to see that I can't put my faith in them. That is a lesson you've been trying to teach me for years, and I'm still only barely grasping... How can I love people well without allowing them to mean so much to me? How can I love at all if I don't really know love? Do I know love? Have I really encountered you yet? Because I thought if I did, I would be changed forever, and still I struggle with the same old things; still I find myself in the same traps I always seem to fall into.

What if I'm just repeating my usual religious rites? What if I'm just following the same circle of confusion? I don't want to go back. I just want to pause and redefine what I have with you. I need to figure out where all of this is going and what it all means before I end up letting them take the place of everything you're supposed to be for me.

Behind The Scenes

I'm beginning to see that you are wind to me. Strong, fierce, and changing. And yet still gentle and sweet. You are ungraspable, and yet all around me. I'm beginning to see you differently. I'm realizing that part of being in control is having the freedom to let you be in control. I'm learning that my fears are usually irrational. I'm seeing for the first time that my relationship with you is only with you, and I don't need anyone else to aid in that relationship. Where I don't measure up, you become more than enough. And no other person can replace all that you are to me.

And it hurts sometimes- all the time lately. Because I realize it's not about proving myself, and it's not about pleasing others- all the things I'm so great at. This is something so different. It's about being in love with you. And I haven't ever been good at that. And that scares me because if I have to love fully and love well, then I might get hurt- I will get hurt. And for so long, I've done everything possible to ensure that pain was avoided at all costs. Now I'm seeing that without pain, love cannot persist. Because love matters most when it's healing pain.

I am seeing how imperfect I am. I am seeing how much I complain, how much I fight, how much I feel like I have to be right all of the time. I am seeing how it causes divisions with the people I claim matter so much to me. And I'm wondering if they really matter to me at all. I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I am dramatic and it's wearing those around me out. I am letting myself become a burden instead of a blessing and I am seeking the attention of others instead of delighting in being your daughter.

Why am I so afraid to be ignored? It is when I have no other distraction that I find myself so much closer to you... so being forgotten for a time might be okay. But I am afraid I suppose... If no one is paying attention to me, then I can do whatever I want and not get caught... performance... I fear that is my life now. It seems to be the only way I know how to live. But I am so sick of performing. I am sick of reciting the right lines and seeking standing ovations. I want to be real. When the curtains close, the lights go out, and my audience goes home- who am I? And does that person bring a smile to your face?

I want to bring a smile to your face when no one is looking. I want to have the freedom to let go and let you be God. I want to have the wisdom and faith to see past my circumstances and see your plan. I want to trust that even when everything around me says it's game over, that you have a trick up your sleeve bound to wow me. I don't want to talk about you as though you are too abstract to know intimately. I want my life to be so wrapped up in our love, that no one can know me well without knowing who you are first. Who am I behind the scenes? I dont want to be a performer... I want to be real.

A Good Goodbye

You speak to me in colors. Your voice comes to me, and it's as though I've always known you; it's like I never left. I look back over the last six months and I see where we have gone together. The tiny crevices of my past that I kept hidden for so long, the mountains in my life that I could never quite climb, the battles we fought together. No. The battles you fought for me. I see the redemption you are bringing into my life. It's like the echo I live with: redeeming love. And I see the healing you are bringing every day. The restoration in my relationships. I am struck with one thing now though- the why. And I know I may only ever get that answer on the other side of Better.

But I feel somehow that I'm getting closer to that these days. I believe I'll be Better soon. I long to see you, to touch you, to lay my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat... to kneel in reverence before you and to kiss your feet with gratitude. My heart longs for home. And yet I know there's more to do before I see you. My heart is breaking for my family. For those who know you- so they claim. My heart cries for Christians who are failing to be Christ-like. I am not angry. I am only broken. And I am concerned about what this says to your other children that haven't met you yet.

I cry because I want the world to experience the love I have with you. And my heart breaks because I'm afraid I'm part of the ones standing in the way of that. What does my life say about my God? And, God, what are you saying about my life? It's becoming no small thing. Every little thing that I was ignoring has gathered significance somehow. I only want to please you. Are you happy with the way I'm living my life?

I feel you telling me that it's almost over. Before I was afraid, but now I'm not. I used to want to stay because I feared so much regret if I left. But I have no more regrets. I have made peace with it all, I believe. I have figured out truth and I'm walking in that. I was angry at first because I thought I'd be losing something if you took me away from here... But now I see that I would gain so much instead. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."* I know you're asking me to look ahead now... and I'm okay with that.



*C. S. Lewis

Becoming Nothing

I feel myself trying to take over again; trying to take control- or to stay in control. I feel those tiny anxieties and fears trickling into my daily life so simply as I never stop to question if they're really necessary or even logical. Meanwhile I hear you saying quietly: Just surrender.

You see me. I know you see me. And yet I find myself worrying if you even know what I'm going through. I know you are faithful. You have proven your faithfulness to me over and over again. But I'm looking at the weeks ahead and I'm seeing all the scribbling in my agenda and calendar... I'm seeing the tiny equations on post-it notes as I try to balance time and budget money... And I'm questioning if you will meet me where I can't make ends meet.

I hear you giving me the obvious answer: Seek first me and my kingdom...

But that seems too abstract to lay hold of at the moment. Seek. What does that mean? Like Hide and Seek? Is there a possibility that you've hidden so well, or that I am too blind to see, that I just might miss you? I'm afraid to miss you.

I know the kind of person I become when my focus isn't on you. I know the damage I am capable of. And I know the places I've been that I've sworn never to return to. Will I end up there again as school and work and "just surviving" become my life?

I don't want to feel like I'm "just surviving." I want life in abundance. But will life in abundance come at a price I'm not willing to pay? Perhaps it will cost my 4.0, or my cushioned bank account. Maybe it will cost me sleep or convenience... Will I be willing to accept that?

I don't know what you want from me this next semester because I've been so busy trying to make sure that I'll get what I want. But as the end of summer draws closer, I'm realizing it can't be about me anymore. I'm starting to see the bigger picture- even if it's only a hazy image in the distance right now.

Help me surrender to you. Help me remember that at the end of the day, it's about you and your will for my life. Help me focus on heavenly things. Help me remember that what is here and now is only temporary, and that the only things that will truly matter are those that are eternal. Help me remember that the only way you can be anything in my life, is if I allow myself to become nothing.

Come Close

I want to dance into your arms like every father's daughter should... I want to spin with you in circles until we're laughing uncontrollably. I want to rest in your arms, my head on your chest, as I listen to just the beat of your heart. I want to know you more. Understand you more deeply. I want to be with you constantly. But I feel like everything else is distracting me from that.

I want to know that what I'm seeing now, all the things that don't make sense and don't seem fair, are nevertheless in your hands. I want to know that you see me, that you know how much it's hurting, and that you're going to work it out for me in your perfect timing.

I can't slow down, it seems. There are so many demands and expectations. I feel like there's a sign on my back saying "kick me" because every time I'm finally moving again, I get knocked back down. I feel like the whole world is waiting for me to fail so that they can all say "I told you so."

But you promised me that I would not be left in need. You promised that you would not let me be put to shame. You promised that you would provide for me. You promised that I would experience life in abundance. I'm trying to remember that and believe for that- regardless of the circumstances I'm in.
Give me a gentle spirit. Give me your peace. Help me settle down and focus on you. Help my eyes stay fixed on you in this storm, in this chaos. My fears are growing and so is the anxiety. I feel as though you're a million miles away, not right next to me. Can you show me that you're close to me?

I feel so selfish for asking. I feel greedy for wanting things to be easier. I feel like I'm acting like a two year old. And that makes me feel like I'm disgracing you... Is it okay for me to want more of your presence? Is it okay for me to find this situation difficult? Is it okay that I'm hurting right now? Or am I being a baby? I don't want to make you angry...

I want to trust you. I don't want to complain or fall apart at the seams. I don't even want to fix it all myself. I just want to know that you're here. I want to know that you're holding my mess together... I want to know that you're not leaving me with all these problems. I need you right now.

One Moment at a Time, One Day at a Time.

I have to believe that the life You want for me is better than the life I'm living now. I have to trust that you see me. Even in  my pain and failure and pessimistic attitude. I have to believe you see more than the girl facing me in the mirror with scars and wounds sometimes too deep to notice. I need to know that when I fall down again, you're not going to wring your hands of me and be through for good.

But for some reason, I have a hard time clinging to that.

I guess I'm used to people walking away and giving up. I'm used to people walking out and never speaking to me again. I'm used to being "too much to handle" and "too much baggage to sort through." I've had so many people promise me "forever" and then abandon me, that I've grown to accept it from everyone. Including you. But I want to believe that you're not just "people" and that you're never leaving me.

"I won't let you coast by... fight for your life!" She said that with more love than I'm able to believe of her right now. And I feel like that's what they're all telling me- we're not going to let you give up now, you've come too far, we're fighting for you, now fight for yourself....

Have I given up on the will to fight for my own life? Have I fallen so far that I really believe I'm worthless and incapable of fighting the forces against me?

I am hated by the enemy. And this world has expressed so much hatred towards me too. I have been under attack all my life, from the moment I was born, there has been a struggle for my life- perhaps even before that. Since the beginning, I have had to fight. And now I'm afraid that there's nothing left in me to fight.

But I know that if I've had to fight this hard for this long, it must be because I'm destined for something that will require all this strength, something extraordinary, something amazing; I am destined for greatness. And if that is true, I must keep fighting to get there.

I just need to remember that the lessons I'm learning now and the battles I'm fighting today are what will bring me into that destiny- I must grow into it by being obedient now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week. But today I'm going to try to fight at least a little more. I don't know how long I will be able to go before I give in again, but I'm going to believe in myself in this moment.

Words in Red

I'm afraid that I crave pain. I'm afraid that it's the only way I know how to live. I'm afraid that I'm too ashamed to be vulnerable. I'm afraid that if others see me for who I really am, that they will abandon me.

Why do I fear losing what isn't really so valuable? And why do I run from the only thing I know can truly sustain me? Why do I abuse myself like this? Why do I allow for this pain to take on a mind of its own?

Ritualistic patterns, the numbness quickly turns to a rush of reality... Calm ensues, but only for as long as I can forget that I'll have to explain it all later.

Eight years is long enough. Eight years is almost half my life. But it seems like I've never known anything different. And maybe I haven't. Even at five, my response was to hit myself for mistakes...

Why do I refuse to run to you? Why do I hide behind bandages and fake smiles?

"It's a long story." No, it really isn't. The story is that I'm just hurting and I'm afraid to let you know how much.

I don't even know what hurts so badly. I only know that this has to stop. I know I need solace. I need peace. I need to know that if I can't stop you'll still love me. Because then I'll know that something is more reliable than this.

It all comes down to choosing between the words in red. One set etched into my skin, another set written in the Book I pretend to cling to...

My Last Apology

It's not that I thought things would be just like before. I didn't expect that kind of treatment after the way I left. But I thought that maybe we could talk. I guess I was hoping you would say more than only hello. I thought maybe you'd care a little bit to know about all that I'm walking through now. But perhaps I ruined that for good.

I don't know why it hurt me so much to only have 5 seconds with you. I know you are busy and I probably shouldn't take it personally. I also know that I have such wonderful spiritual leaders in my life right now and that I'm not lacking a pastor. But I longed to tell you more than "I'm doing great."

I didn't want to sound superficial or appear to be wearing a mask to make you happy. I was hoping you'd see the joy radiating off of me... I was hoping you could see how loved I felt by Him and how much He's changed my life. I hoped that maybe you would be happy that I finally figured it out. But then I have to remind myself that what He and I have is not to please you, and that your opinion, your interest or disinterst makes no difference.

I know the way I left before was wrong. And I'm only now starting to understand the ripple effect it seems to have caused. I'm just now beginning to realize the full impact my poor judgement and terrible decisions had on all the other people that were looking towards me. I can't turn back the clock now though, so I guess I was hoping you might say you forgive me.

I know it must have been difficult. I'm sure there were so many questions that no one had the answers too. I'm sure you all wondered what was really going on inside of my head and I'm sure you probably questioned your ability to discern the intentions of others. I wish I could have given you more answers then, but I didn't have any at the time. Now I feel like I've got some answers for you, but I'm afraid you're too fed up to hear what I want so badly to say to you.

I am sorry though. I am sorry that I made the mistakes that I did. That doesn't mean I want to come back. It doesn't mean I want things how they were before. I just feel as though we've had no closure. And I just want you to know that I've grown up. I want you to know that I found truth. I want you to know that I miss you. I want you to know that I wish you missed me too.

I feel as though you prefer for us to be strangers now. And that kills me because according to Truth, we're meant to be family. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if I'll ever prove to you that I'm not the same person I was a year ago. But I know I can't prove anything to you; it'll have to be up to God.

I wonder if we'll still be strangers in Eternity...

Deep Calls Unto Deep

Maybe it's strange... but I feel like I heard you this morning. "I'm baptizing you in my tears." Soaking wet... Rain and thunder all around. And in the moment I couldn't figure out why. Dripping in the doorway, feeling sick and exhausted. Afraid for the day because I know my anxiety has been all over the place lately... But it's then that I felt your still small voice... baptizing me in your tears. The umbrella broke and I ran like crazy... I ran from the sorrow, for fear of vulnerability... I didn't want to look so stupid... but now I wish I could have paused for a moment and let you comfort me there.


I'm not sad today. A very sad thing happened a year ago, but I have a peace about it right now. I don't understand it. And as much as I wish I had the answers, I don't. But I feel like you cried for me this morning. You cried for my whole family. You let me feel your teardrops from heaven. And I see now how it must have hurt you immensely also when we lost him. It must be hard for you to break our hearts. But I guess if our hearts weren't broken sometimes, then we'd be missing out on a particular depth of your love for us. What happened a year ago wasn't okay. And it hurt. And I'm disappointed and confused. But I am finally accepting your healing from the pain and I can't blame you anymore.


I thought I was going to be mourning a year without his smile and happy go lucky personality. I thought we'd all be crying for the loss of a precious child who was always ready to cook us some "dindin." I should have known a balloon was no symbol of mourning though. In fact, we use them to celebrate. And as strange as it might seem to some people, that's exactly what we did. We celebrated his Home coming into your kingdom. And we had the chance to just imagine what that little guy is doing up there with you and all your angels.


I feel you so much closer right now. Over the last few days I feel like I have been able to experience you and encounter you in simple but profound ways. I can't help wondering if you are making yourself more apparent, or if I'm just finally beginning to recognize you in the ordinary. I'm beginning to realize just how great you are. I feel you pursuing me, leaving me tiny love notes throughout the day. A dragonfly in my hair, a bird so close it nearly frightened me, a face in the clouds... I feel you calling to me in a deeper way.


I feel you asking me to risk more, to trust more, to give more. I feel you calling me to something bigger than myself. I am finding strength in your joy and peace. I am finding rest in your arms. I am beginning to see how the life I'm living now has the potentional to impact generations to come. I am recognizing areas of my life that have become so different in the last 6 months, and other areas that I'm just beginning to surrender to you. I am ready to dive deeper, to peel back more layers, to find more of you and become more like you. It's as though every time I think I'm almost there, I realize the adventure is still just beginning, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

8/4/12

What I Couldn't Say Last Night.

I said I wouldn't come back here again.
I said I was moving forward... but I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

I should have come to you when I was counting steps again. But I didn't realize where it was leading me to. Back in the messes that you spent so much time gently carrying me away from so you could pick up the shattered pieces before they pierced me again...

I feel like the white crayon in the box... seen, noticed, just like the rest I have a wrapper and a label... but for some reason I am unusable. So I sit here waiting for a black sheet of paper to give me purpose. But I fear the world has run out of black paper. Do you have a plan for me?

I'm so nervous now. That uneasy feeling in my stomach is back... If I do anything wrong, say anything off cue, then everything will begin to unravel. I feel like it's my job to hold everything together, to be strong, to have the backbone for everyone else... but all this weight is killing me... I think my bones are breaking.

I'm so used to being the one who has it all together, that I can't even fall apart in front of you... I fell apart alone last night... and they told me you were there waiting for me to turn to you... but I couldn't find you. My vision was blurred by the tears, I guess. Or maybe my heart was too afraid for you to meet me in that place.

I don't understand how I can want you and need you and still not let you see me so vulnerable. I'm afraid if you see me fall apart, you, too, will see me as inadequate, uanble to fullfill any expectations you may have of me. Or maybe my fear is that you'll still want to use me, and I can't comprehend why you would use someone so broken... I'm fearing what I don't even know to be certain.

I feel like I'm failing you, and I wonder if I'll ever get it right. I want to run so far right now, but I refuse to run again... Give me the strength to stay and deal with this now...

Wiped Clean (Arguments with God)

I think it's so funny how you would use this experience to change me. Once again, you're asking me to go beyond this world's standards and cling to what I know is only good in your eyes.

I have let music be so important to me. It was so important, that I would steal it. Limewire was my best friend several years ago because I could download any music I wanted and it was always free. It was okay, because everybody did it. And it wasn't really stealing. Besides, most of the music I downloaded was Christian music, and Christians are charitable... they'd give me their music free if I asked them... right?

Lies. Excuses. Reasons I use to try and justify my actions because it's more comfortable to keep doing wrong and act like I don't know it is wrong, than to do the right thing and allow you to change me a little more.

I bought a new computer. Just like the new me, it is wiped cleaned. Nothing on it. No website ever viewed. No file ever placed on it. I didn't see it at first, but now I'm beginning to understand the subtle parallel. How could I, with integrity, place the old onto the new if the old does not please you?

I tried again and again in frustration. I have put so many hours into trying to transfer file after file. Meanwhile, your gentle Spirit attempts to show me my guilt. I pushed it away, clicked "remind me later," and tried again and again. Meanwhile, frustrations increased as I attempted so many other avenues.

I resign though, God. I will not turn against integrity to do what satisfies me. I cannot click "ignore"  again because it's wearing down my battery...

It may seem so small a revelation... "don't steal music anymore." But I think this lesson is so much more than that. You're not just asking me to walk in integrity with the music I put onto my computer. You're asking me to walk in integrity in my own life. There are still certain areas of my life that I haven't completely surrendered to you, hidden files tucked away, embedded in codes that I sometimes hope in secrecy no one will be able to crack... I have allowed some virus-filled files of my old life to be transfered into the new life I am supposed to be living in You.

How can I say I am new if the old is still present? How can I expect things to run smoothly if I'm allowing things that you've asked me to delete to still sit hidden in my recycling bin? I don't want to recycle my old self- it's supposed to be gone for good. I want to wipe my hard drive completely clean and start fresh.

Thank you Jesus for this revelation.

Recognizing the Power I have in Christ

We're chasing after desires and following emotions. In a world where performance is everything, we've neglected morals. In a society where career ladder climbing contends with character, we find starving children and lost souls. Why have we depended on our own abilities? Why do we follow the line of blind leaders telling us who we should be, instead of leading the blind to become what we’ve already been called? A holy nation, a royal priesthood, children of light… Have we really bowed our knees to lies and accepted the false reality that there is no eternal consequence? We have become a people robbed and plundered. We tell our children they can be anything, but conceal ourselves in tiny boxes of comfort, completely opposed to making an impact. Heads down, eyes veiled behind paper work and computer screens, focused on the next due date or deadline… we forget the people we’re passing and pretend that pain doesn’t penetrate the hearts of those surrounding us. We worry about payments and future security. We store up treasures that will never last… Have we forgotten the greatness of our God? Have we let go of His promises? We take His name on Sunday mornings, bow down in holy reverence, we pray the prayers and repeat the phrases… but where is the transformation? When the love of God touches you, you cannot possibly be the same! When you wrestle with God like Jacob and battle your enemies at Jericho, something inside of you changes! When the God of the universe speaks to you, you never walk as you did before! Why have we neglected faith only to grasp religiosity? Do we really think that the law will save us? Will just “being good” bring us our salvation? Impossible! The law separated us from our Father and “good people” crucified His son! Where are his children now? Why do we lean on lies of fame and fortune and plastic surgery for our happiness? Do we really think that an Ipad or Kendall can bring us the joy that is in Christ? Why do we allow these limits? We let the world tell us what to wear, what to buy, what to eat, how to act… all the while suicide and divorce rates sore and depression is so common, it’s accepted! We have stayed here too long; we have tarried at Gilgal for too long! We should have made it to the Jordan by now and received a double portion of His spirit! Imagine the miracles we could experience if we only grasp that truth! Imagine the numbers of salvations and transformations that would be possible. Jesus said that we would be able to do anything! Why have we overlooked the fact that Peter walked on the water too? Christ has said, “Come out to me,” and we’ve stayed here in our boat, refusing to answer his call. Good people will go to hell. The Bible is clear about that. We cannot allow ourselves to be brainwashed into “safe” Christianity. The truth is it is only idolatry. If we’re not serving the true Jesus, we’re worshipping an idol of who we believe He is, a false god, one who doesn’t even exist… we will be wasting our time. We cannot seek to be comfortable. Our purpose is not to find all of our dreams coming true. We’ve been called to follow. That’s it. God is not a shooting star to be wished upon. He doesn’t give us answers: He makes US the answers! When will His people rise up and take on their calling? When will we be His hands healing and His words speaking? When will our God be more than a commitment for Sunday mornings? We must remove the blinders that keep us bound and blinded in complacency and take a look at the real world around us. It’s time we do more than exist; it’s time to love relentlessly and carry the burdens of the broken. It’s time to lose the façade of world-view compassion and let the fire of God consume those in the darkness. It’s time for His people to seek more than their own salvation, but become concerned with the eternities of others. What would God say about our selfishness if we stopped to listen? We have the hope of the world; we carry with us the answer to eternity. We carry life and power… but we haven’t used any of it. We’ve let this gift sit unopened in our spirits, afraid perhaps… but of what? Our words have the power to move mountains when combined with faith! We have the ability to raise the dead! Why do we leave it up to the “pastors” to take a stand in the face of injustice? Did God not use David? Timothy? Mary? Were they not the “smallest,” “insignificant” people of their time? God never calls those who are able. He enables those that He calls. When a group of Christians decide to walk in that promise, we will see a people healed. We will see lives touched. We will see God’s favor and watch the defeat of the enemy. When a generation finally stands up for our God, our God will show Himself strong for us! God is waiting for us, though. He is waiting for a people willing to face persecution and still worship; still walk in conviction. He’s looking for a heart SOLD OUT for Him alone. When we finally do that, a revival will come. A revival will sweep this nation and His Spirit will be poured out. God will show up… We just haven’t asked Him to yet. That’s the problem.

3/24/11

A Glimpse of Maybe

I'm suddenly beginning to see how crucial each of our roles is. I realize we're not perfect. The dysfunction we've grown to accept is quite enough to make any outsider question us and look down on us... And of course there are moments when the chaos is enough to make me wish things were different. But when I looked around last night- really looked- I saw us for who and what we really are.

We are broken and dirty and we're falling apart, yes. But we are so much more than that. In the eyes of each person I could see a soul, and I saw their desire to love and to be loved. I saw beauty as You meant it, dear One. I saw just a tiny glimpse of who we were and who we might have become had life worked out more ideally. Then I realized it's not too late to have all that.

I didn't just see this on the faces of my generation though. I heard it in the voices of the generation before mine- a longing to make time again, to share again, to be together like before. And again I recognized it when a few of us were brave enough to voice our hope to stay in touch and love more fiercely in the future as we grow.

There was such a peace last night, and I feel lit carrying me into this morning. I didn't know a deck of cards and bowling balls could evoke such emotion. It was like You gave me Your eyes to see past the thing I've always held against them. And then You gave me Your heart to love them just a bit more than I thought I could.

I know we're still imperfect. But the love we share cancels out imperfection. Never have I felt so free to be myself than in the presence of those I've known our whole lives. We were free to dance and sing, to pose and to play. We were free to joke and laugh and hug... We were free to know family as you intended it to be. Beautiful.

I only pray now you give us the strength to fight for each other. I hope You give us courage and determination to move around all the obstacles that have for so long hindered us. Make us desperate for each other and for the family that we've always known laid just out of sight in the rubble of our silence.

The Right Words Said The Wrong Way

I didn't mean to make it sound like a joke. I said it sarcastically with a smirk though, so I guess you couldn't have taken it any other way. That's my fault. I was afraid you might think it was stupid. So I figured telling you with sarcasm would save me the ridicule and rejection I feared would follow. But now I wish you could have seen how honestly I meant what I said. I guess I'll write it here in hopes of being able to say it to your face someday. Or maybe, just maybe, you'll read my story for yourself.

The truth is that I am saved now. Saved from myself and saved from the destruction I was running full speed ahead towards. I am very different than the girl who walked into that restaurant almost a year ago. I am not angry or bitter like I was, and though I haven't quite figured out all the reasons why I had to hurt so badly, I've stopped living in the past, dwelling on it, and I have started moving forward. But none of it is even about me. It's about the Lover of my soul.

He loved me so much that he relentlessly chased me, even in my rebellion. And he longed to hold me so close to His heart, that he continued blessing me when I didn't deserve it. My Lover pursued me like no other, even while I was a harlot chasing lovers that would never satisfy. He found me captivating and lovely when all I could see in the mirror was filth and worthlessness. And when I finally turned to embrace Him, His love began to change me.

He is still changing me, chipping away at all the things that don't belong, reshaping me into His image, hammering away at all the things that still need to be fixed and creating within me a picture of Beauty I cannot begin to fathom. He's not finished with me yet. That's why I still mess up. I still have my moments when the wrong words come out, or the right words come out in the wrong way, like today. And I'm still learning to fight fear and insecurities. But that is the miracle, I think. The miracle isn't that I'm perfect now. The miracle is that my imperfection is a perfect example of how amazing His love is. The fact that a Perfect God would chose to spend so much time on me in order that I might be a better example of everything He is-- that's what I find miraculous.

I just pray that you might encounter that Love fully. I pray you get the chance to fall into the arms of the One who is also chasing you relentlessly. I pray you have the chance to look past religion and experience the beauty of a relationship. I know you said you talk to God. I pray you're able to hear Him talking back. I pray you know how much He loves you, because I know He really does.

Meet Me

Meet me at the lakefront
With an ice cream cone at sunset
And as the day ends
I will tell you about my life now
And the years you missed out on

Meet me at the play ground
Don't forget your baseball glove
And I'll tell you about the hand I wanted to hold
While everything was crashing down around me

Meet me in the parking lot of my elementary school
Where we once sat talking
About all I had learned and read
And I'll tell you about the books I'm reading now

Meet me in the old shed
Where we once began to build a house
It was never finished though...
Left as incomplete and splintered
As our relationship is today

Meet me in another world
Where pain and scars can disappear
And I'll tell you I forgive you now
Maybe things can be set right again

Meet me once again, if you only dare
And tell me that you're really sorry
Show me that you care
Because I always wanted a Daddy

I wanted to spin into your arms
To feel safe inside them and protected
To know that I am loved
To be wanted


Just meet me.

Loving Imperfectly

I know I should have come to You sooner. I remember when I was little and I was first learning to help out with household chores. Every time I had to empty the dishwasher, it seemed I would break a dish on accident. I remember hiding it from my mom because I didn't want her to be angry. She was always angrier that I didn't tell her sooner.

I feel like that now. A little kid, trying to pick up her mess before You have the chance to see it... pricking my fingers on the broken glass and hoping You don't notice the blood. But You always see my mess; You always notice the pain it causes me as I try to be self-sufficient and take care of it all myself. Why don't I ever call Your name when the dish first hits the floor?

I review the words I once wrote. With terrible grammar and the perspective of a child, I tried to find reasons for the pain I was going through, and I knew You had to be involved somehow. I tried to decipher if You were an enemy or a friend, and I wanted more than anything else just to trust You. But every time I started believing that You were hearing my prayers, another wave would take me off my feet and I would question all over again Your love for me.

I don't think I question Your love for me anymore. I think I question my ability to love You back. It's not that I don't want to love You, I just want to love You perfectly while I am still imperfect. And though my head seems to understand that it's not possible, my heart won't make since of it quite yet. I could never love You perfectly. Not in this lifetime anyway. And so I fail to love You at all because I'm too busy trying to find the formula for perfection.

I forget that You saved me in my imperfections, and You loved me in my brokenness. You helped me because I was helpless, and You gave me a purpose when everyone else saw only a lost cause. If You wanted someone perfect, You would have never chosen me. I need to trust that Your grace is sufficient for me. I am trying to believe that.

But right now I just see all my shortcomings and all the ways I don't measure up. I see all the ways I've let You down- or maybe I've just let myself down. I see my scars and I see my patterns, and I fear falling into another cyclical race against time. But this time, I know You are real and I know You love me.

But do I love You enough to give up everything and follow You? I want to love You more.

I think it's kind of ironic. I used to question Your love for me. Now I question my love for You. I wonder, do You ever question my love for You too?

Beautiful Contradiction (For Romi)

She stood there with us each morning. With her accented English and flashcards in hand, she repeatedly declined our invitations. It was then that I noticed her. We were only strangers and I was only curious, but you used those mornings to help me see her through your eyes.

I felt like Saul on the road to Damascus. I believed I was living righteously for you, but I wasn't. And just like Saul I was not worthy of the mission you gave me. But my worth meant nothing in your grace. You used me to bring her close to you even before I knew you as Savior.

I did like Paul and became as she was. Football games, Halloween parties, and paint fumes brought us together in friendship. And I never stopped inviting her. Eventually she accepted and we all held hands in prayer to you. I began inviting her to youth group, and eventually she accepted that too.

Then the miraculous happened and I saw your hand move. January 5th was another Wednesday in which I religiously showed up and knelt at your feet, crying the same predictable prayer. It was one more service- like all the others- that I came to serve people in my own abilities rather than be used in your service.

But for her it was the day true life began. "I want to serve God with my whole heart and soul," she said. And my heart leapt with joy as she finally accepted your invitation. She fell in love with you while I was blindly still so far from you. I thought I became her big sister that day.... And yet today she is mine.

I love perspective because it gives me the opportunity to see life through so many different lenses.

In her lens I was her leader, a teacher, a wise friend with effective prayer and fierce faith.

In my view, I was the one who "got her saved." And with foolish pride I thought I'd be her inspiration and idol.

But now I am seeing what you saw that night. That night you set into motion the perfect example of the older serving the younger and the younger leading the older. I didn't know it then, but you began a story that would humble me. Though I thought I'd be pouring into her, it is in fact me who is learning so much from her.

Her faith in you even when she couldn't see anything promising in this world still amazes me. The fact that she has trusted you with so much in so little time is so beautiful. I hope to have her faith someday. Her commitment to remain pure in your sight among peers who aren't and her conviction to confess her belief in your existence when so many around her don't know you is a testimony of the strength you've given her.

I set out thinking she was the desperate lost soul in need of you and I would be the "faithful servant" who would bring her to you. But no. I was merely a stick you used to start the flame in her and then was thrown out among the debris. The miracle is that her fire for you joined with the rest of the light I followed to finally find my way home. In this world I am older and somehow that's supposed to mean I know more. But in your kingdom she is really my big sister and that is such a beautiful contradiction.

My Biggest Fear

We went around in a circle, each sharing a fear we have... And for a moment I wasn't sure I had an answer. Then I remembered that recurring dream. To them it must have seemed silly... almost a sad attempt to avoid an honest response. But it was so deeply honest that I'm still thinking about it a day later.

I'm driving in the dead of night and I drive up one side of an overpass... But when I get to the top, the rest of the road is gone and I fall into a black abyss. The fear I feel as my car plummets into the dark unknown is the scariest feeling of my life. Even though it's only a dream, I still awake shaking, sweating, making sure I'm not dead.

"So you're afraid of the horizon?" he asked.

 All these years I've wondered what this dream meant. I've wondered why it bothers me so much and yet I've never really heard such a profound interpretation. In the moment he asked me, I played it off with a smile. But now I realize how perfect- whether he meant it or not- that interpretation is.

The fear of what lies ahead, the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the future. It is the one thing that worries me more than anything. I guess because I've never felt secure. I've always felt like a drifter, uprooted and dislocated. Moving all around and never finding a place I could call home. I remember when I was called a "refugee" after Katrina... that word made me so angry. And yet that's how I feel I see myself- a vagabond, a wanderer, one who will never settle down and commit to something solid... someone who is running from something.

I guess my biggest fear is not knowing what my future is. I fear that I'm still running. I feel like I've been running so long that I no longer know what I am running from or running towards. I know I committed to follow You, Abba... but I don't know where I'm following you to. And that scares me. I still question who it is you're calling me to be and I'm still looking for my purpose in this world. A part of me is so afraid that I'll never figure it out. I feel like I've been so sure so often and let down each time that the fear of another disappointment makes me neglect to really seek what I should be after. What should I be chasing after?

I don't want to run from Truth, but I don't want to chase a lie either. I need a sign that the life I'm living and the choices I'm making are bringing me closer to the destiny you have for me. I need to know that this is not another futile attempt to gain the applause of those around me. I'm not asking to see the full picture... but can you show me a little glimpse of what is to come?

Our Song

That was the night the music stopped playing for me. The melody You'd been singing over me ended as I turned my ears to the noise of this world. So young, but I though I knew everything. My suitcase was packed with everything I thought I needed, I said goodbye to her, not knowing when we'd meet again. My heart was breaking, quickly resembling the cracked up sidewalk beneath my tiny feet. I felt deserted, abandoned, left to fight for myself, and it was then that I quit listening to the rhythm of Your heartbeat and began to dance to the beat of my own drum.

They dared me to do it, to bleed in front of them. And I wanted them to see that I was hurting. I couldn't tell them why- secrets weren't so safe with sisters. But I thought if maybe they saw how damaged I was, they could love me blindly through it.

Azure Ray played "November" in my ears, as the room spun in circles and visions danced in my head. I saw the life I had always known and waited helplessly for it all to smash to pieces. Your voice was drowned out by the sound of the levees breaching, and my memory was washed clean of the song We used to sing together.

From there the dirge of demons started, so deceivingly they'd play, with notes that sounded so sweet until I was in too deep. Then they'd all grow sour. The tune became foreboding, a cacophony of catastrophe swept me off my feet, as though they were playing to the scene of my final breath.

I tried to make it all make sense. I wrote line after line, trying to find my way back to Our song. But each line just left me desperate as each word became a silent scream that no one could hear. I couldn't sing anymore; my heart had forgotten Your graceful tune... so I stopped playing altogether.

And then one day I heard it, as though You'd been playing all along. It was faint, but it was there, only a whisper, but so familiar. I couldn't recognize it; the time had made me forget. But there was something about the way it was sung. I knew it could only be You. So I moved a little closer, then came the crescendo; a wondrous symphony of beauty rang out as you took me in Your arms.

I felt the drumbeats lure me in again. My heart was pounding in my chest, as all the words came back to me, the song You once sang over me. And we were singing together again, in a field of bright red roses. As instruments of heaven played sounds of perfect pitch, You called me Yours and I was home.

6/7

Our Home, Seven Years Later

The perfect storm came. Its waves flooded our lives and washed away the love that once held us so close together. That love was the cement; we were the bricks... together we shared holidays and birthdays, laughter and tears. I thought that we were waterproof. We never could have fathomed that the winds of change would come and knock us down, scattering us so far from each other.

We used to go places together. We each took on a special role that no one else could duplicate. We used to laugh together, play together, discover life together. Why did we stop eating together? Why did we let the dining room table survive the flood, only to be cluttered with junk? We no longer gather around it's water marked legs for meals or conversation. We used to play a game; we called it "Pass the Bowls." Or don't  you remember?

"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." There was a time when we lived by that. There was a time before internet and iphones, when road trips required real patience and we didn't "plug up" our ears for our own solace. We didn't need cable- we would dance or skate on carpet. We spent time together, intentionally. Free fun was the best fun. Do you remember our family game nights?

We asked questions once. When everything came crashing down, that tiny sugar shack made us face each other. Crowded in a mirror, the four of us at dawn, we saw each of our reflections and we watched the masks come off as reality was dealt with. Walking down the driveway, an old dirt trail made us get along. It took a team to rebuild our house... But have we rebuilt our home yet? Home is where the heart is, and I fear our hearts lay lifeless now.

Is it too late for resurrection? Fourteen of us crowded in a restaurant closing at three... Christmas gifts unwrapped in a parking lot with no tree. Meals Ready to Eat alone on Christmas morning... What happened to the Santa Clause who came riding down the street in a fire truck with flashing lights for the whole neighborhood to see? Block parties became hollow hearts as words were left unspoken. A family that had everything... so much promise... is now broken.

But I know there must be more than this... We must remember how it was, spending time and taking time to remind what each is worth. I can't believe the bonds are gone, they're just buried by the years. All added up and piled along the streets like molded rubble. Can we uncover the treasure we once held so dear? If I told you that I love you, would you believe it? Would you say it back to me again?

Going to Extremes

I remember what it was like with them. My cell phone was always within reach. I constantly checked my messages; we were always in constant communication. I would do anything and everything I could for time with them. They were my good morning and good night. I was obsessed and I called it love. I spent money to be with them; I gave up sleep to talk to them. I was always anxious for just one more word or kiss... They were my life.

It seems like you should have taken that place in m y life. You should be my good morning and good night. You should be the one who makes me anxious. I should be in constant communication with you, always worried that I might miss an important call or text if I'm not paying attention. I should sacrifice my time and money for you; I should chase you till I'm exhausted. You should be my life now.

Have I missed something? What keeps me back from making you my everything? Why do I not insist on spending every waking moment in your presence? Is it shame of what others may think? I never cared when I was with them,. Is it because I don't believe you'll meet me? You always do. Maybe I just haven't grasped how real you are yet? But I know that you're real. Perhaps I take you for granted because I know how faithful you are. I don't want to take your faithfulness for granted though.

How is it that I placed so much faith in their "forevers," but when you say it, I cant trust you? What is it inside of me that keeps me from taking hold of all you have for me? What does it look like to live in relationship with you? How can I make you my everything?

How is it that my "love" for them brought me to such extremes? I nearly flew to a foreign country for one, and for the other I gave up so much of who I was... but I haven't given myself fully to you yet or gone places for your sake...

I want to treat you the way I treated them: Like nothing else is even close to being so important. I want to give you everything; I want to fall in love with you. I want you to be the face I seek each morning and the arms that hold me as I drift to sleep each night.. I want you to be real in my life, so real that I can't deny you, so real that even just a moment without you is painful. I want to need you more than anything and love you with everything I am.

Help me.

Deeper Still

I keep asking: Where are you? I always ask the questions I already know the answers to. You're here, where you always are, patiently waiting for me to come to you, to acknowledge your presence.

Where are you, though?

That's the question I'm afraid to face, because most days I'm not so sure. I'm distracted, I think.

Distracted by what?

Nothing... my own thoughts... they never stop.

Share them with me?

I want to go back.

Back to what?
 

Back to those hills, to that lake where you made the rain stop for me. Back to where you first helped me realize that all I wanted was to be used by you... back to that cold concrete floor where I knelt crying for hours as you showed me  your plans for my life. I want to go back and say yes; I wanted to say yes.

Why didn't you?

Because I was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Letting you down again or not being enough.

I am enough. You just have to be willing.

 I want to be willing. I think I'm too comfortable though. I've grown complacent in mediocrity. I don't know how to live a life that requires faith. How do I do it?

Do you trust me? 

I think so.
 

What else do you want to go back to? 

You always know when there's more... Can we go back to that field of white daisies? I want to dance with you again.

No.

 Why not?

Because we aren't going back. We're starting over. What we had before was superficial and religious. I'm giving you Truth now; I want to take you deeper and deeper still. 

But everything feels so gray and empty now. I feel like a dried up well. My passions are lost. I felt you in that field, Abba. We danced so effortlessly. You spun me in circles and I felt so safe with you there.

I know. But I want to take you to a field of roses now. Can you trust me?

The Divide

We said forever as though we could understand its limits. And we said always as if we held eternity. But we didn't even believe in eternity or the ability to live unbound by laws of time or space. Foolish promises made in haste for temporary relief in brokenness. Selfish expectations thrown up into the air, and we believed we'd catch them all before even one could shatter. A juggling act ended with broken glass and bleeding hearts. Splintered souls so tattered as we walked away, our life in pieces. Alone and desperate, darkness consumed and we went our separate ways to get better.

You went left and I went right, both of us into the night. Searching for answers and reasons why, you looked in the mirror; I looked towards the sky. You found your reflection, and I found the Light.

So now you stand in the mirror, armed with everything that guarantees to do the trick, to fix your mess and make you better. You try each elixir, every antidote and remedy, but every time that you look up, it's your reflection that you see: its brokenness, its pain persists, just masked by all that's sure to fix and never does. You stare within your own dark eyes, promising the next dose will be the last; then one hard swallow later, you're still staring back into the glass at your dim eyes and faded smile, another cycle, another mile around this same old town that you never did call home.

And while you're busy staring into a glass which just distorts your image, I find the Light that gives your glass its ability to reflect. And in that Light I find the Truth; in purest form, with pure intentions, wanting nothing in return but for me to start to learn to see myself the way He does. With outstretched arms He sacrificed all He had so that I might gaze into the beauty of Love that must endure. Within the Light, my walls and weapons fall, I do not need them after all. My only chore is to surrender and allow this Light to have its way. Your reflection is deceiving while my Light is penetrating every part of all I am and it is changing me to reflect perfectly all He is. 

Your ointments and your products tell you everything that's wrong, and you fight with all you have to belong and hear approval. Changing all you are and dying more each day. Trying to achieve the goals you don't set anyway. Slowly you're becoming just another memory of one who thought the way to live was in self-dependency.

But I am made into glass now. Fragile and transparent, willing to be broken. And His Light makes me a mirror reflecting His image. His grace and mercy, His love and faithfulness. An undistorted view of reality. Surpassing time and space and touching eternity finally. As I become nothing and He becomes everything... I am on the other side of better.

Will I see you on the other side of better?

Learning Lessons

Hello again.
I know it's been forever since my last post. I'm sorry. Life happened. But that snapshot of life came with a few great lessons, so here we go...

Lesson one:

So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7 NKJV)

When you ask God for opportunities, He's going to give them to you. When some of my favorite people left early this month to serve in Guatemala, I wanted to go with them so badly but couldn't. So I told God I wanted to serve people here at home. My first thought was to serve those in some of the poorer areas of the community. I found a youth house in the area and emailed them asking if they needed volunteers- they never replied. But then my grandmother called me and asked me to clean some things for her and I said okay (reluctantly). And then my mom and sister came into town and my twin had surgery. I was asked to stay at the hospital overnight with her and I said okay (begrudgingly). And then my mom got really sick and needed to go to the hospital, and I had to bring her even though a friend was in town visiting me. And I said okay (but sighed at the thought of sitting in the emergency room for hours on end). Then my grandfather had some tests done, and I had to wake up out of a sound sleep to pick him up from the doctor. I said okay (and pouted the whole way there.)

It suddenly occurred to me that these were the opportunities God was giving me to serve others. He was asking me to be Jesus to people who I always seem to forget needs Him as much as the people in Guatemala or the Ninth Ward. I felt so ashamed at this, especially when I considered my last post almost a month ago. God is not going to ask me to be faithful in big things until I learn to be faithful in little things. He will not give me the opportunity to serve in big ways until I learn to serve in small ways with a joyful heart. The Lord loves a cheerful giver and he who doesn't love is but a clashing cymbal. I can spend all my time, money, and energy doing things for people, but until I do it with an attitude of love and joy, it will mean nothing, and I will only make those around me and myself miserable. I thank God for revealing this to me on a deeper level and I pray for the wisdom to recognize the attitude of my heart before I serve someone, and if my heart is not cheerful about it, I pray God will give me His joy and cheerfulness to love others like He does.

Lesson 2:

Another lesson on pride. Maybe I'm the only person in the world with this problem, but I doubt it. I have a very difficult time admitting when I've made a mistake. I was taught to say "I'm sorry; I was wrong" at a very young age; my mom taught me manners. However, as I grew up I began to hear from time to time, "sorry doesn't cut it" and so my apologies became fewer. As I got even older, pride let me forget the importance of these words. Is it just me, or is it that in our society admitting wrong is seen as a weakness? Why do we feel the need to justify our actions with lame excuses instead of admitting we are wrong and seeking forgiveness? It takes so much more energy to come up with the excuses we use. Why can't we just simply admit our faults and try better next time? It would certainly save us a headache. Furthermore, when we seek forgiveness instead of finding excuses, God has the opportunity to move in our lives.

In my most recent history class we often discussed the "what if?" factor. I think about the story of Cain and Abel. When Cain killed Abel and God asks him where his brother was, Cain replied, "Am I my brother's keeper?" God then punished Cain so severely that Cain said he "could not bear it."

I think God knew where Abel was. He's God. So why did He ask Cain? I think He was giving Cain the opportunity to confess and repent of his sin. God didn't need Cain to tell Him where Abel was, He was only giving Cain the chance to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

So here's the what if: What if Cain had responded differently to God's question? What if he had admitted that he murdered his brother, fallen on his knees and cried out for mercy? I'm sure punishment would have ensued, but surely not so severe a punishment as he did receive.

I think many of us have this problem. We do something wrong and cover it up because if we admit our guilt, there will be a consequence. And then when God asks us what we've done we have all these excuses of why we had to do what we did. Then before we know it, our consequences become twice as bad as what they could have been.

For instance, I quit a job that I really loved in a very unprofessional way back in October. I had a very complicated list of reasons and EXCUSES for quitting, when the truth was: I had made a mistake. I ended up unemployed for 5 months and never apologized, then I ended up finding a job I was miserable at and I've worked there for the last 3 months. For 8 months I have put off saying I'm sorry and had to borrow money from family and worry about paying bills. Those were my consequences.

Finally today I said I was sorry, and the owner is willing to rehire me. What if I had said sorry sooner? I wouldn't owe family members money, I would have some form of savings, and I would be much better off. Now that I've apologized though, God is able to provide me with a wonderful job for the rest of college. See my point: God can move if we repent.

Lesson 3:

And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NKJV)

Watch your mouth, fool!

My mom picked my sisters' and my names for very specific reasons. She is a very Godly woman and wanted each of her children to have a biblical name. My sisters' middle names are Celesta and Noel. Celesta comes from the Gaelic word for star, more specifically, the star the wise men followed to find the Christ Child. Noel means Christmas in French. My name Gabrielle comes from the archangel Gabriel, the messenger of God. It also means God is my light or God is my strength. I believe God chose my name as much as my mom did because those three things practically sum up my life.

My mom called me Gabbie before I could speak, and ironically enough, I am the talkative one of my sisters. We used to walk into Walmart, and I was the three year old who introduced the whole family to the greeter at the door. I was also the one who used to share dreams with my mom and she knew they had to be from God. I was His messenger before I realized what that even meant. But I was also the child with the darkest teenage years, and it was then that my name stood as a reminder that God is my light. And there were times I had to really fight to survive because of the messes I created, and it was then that my name reminded me that God is my strength to keep pushing forward.

But back to being His messenger:
The words we speak have power. We are all His messengers. Every time we open our mouth we have the power to create or destroy. We chose the direction. However, I think there comes a time in our walk with Christ that we must choose ultimately whether we will gain control over our tongue or not. I think I'm at that point. Last night I was with some of my favorite people and one of them decided to be a backseat driver. Before I even realized it, the words shot out of my mouth, "shut up!" The entire atmosphere in the car changed and it was because of me and my stupid mouth. I had hurt a really good friend's feelings and gave the night a sour note.

Before I became a Christian I had such a foul mouth. I cursed constantly and told dirty jokes. I didn't think twice about it. But when I gave my heart to Christ, I began letting these things go. I don't curse nearly as much now as I used to. But now I am realizing how much more work is left for God and I to do with this tongue of mine. It doesn't stop with cursing and dirty jokes. It goes deeper. Speaking life is so vital in the Christian walk. Speaking positively and lovingly to others is so important. The Bible says that non-Christians will know our faith in the way we love other Christians. Luckily, there weren't any nonbelievers in the car last night, but what if there had been? My unloving remark to my brother in Christ would have raised an eyebrow, I'm sure. How can I expect nonbelievers to know the love of Christ if I don't make it a point to love others in every word and deed? I don't want this to ever happen again. I pray for God to give me the wisdom to think before I speak now and I pray He gives me more opportunities to love others with my words.




Well, these are just some of the things that God has been showing me this summer. I hope to write again soon (sooner than 2 weeks).

God bless you.

Thank God, I ain't got it!

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it springs the issues of life. --Proverbs 4:23

...For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. --Matthew 12:34

I remember sitting there in those rows of chairs meant to look like pews. My notebook placed in my lap, scribbling down everything the pastor said and being sure I didn't miss a thing. I remember standing there, arms lifted to heaven. I remember being in the front, jumping above the crowd to the beat of the drums. And I remember thinking- Yeah-- I got it. I am not the scum I was. I am not the mess I go to school with. I got it. And with it, I'm going places.

And that's what got me going nowhere fast.

I was the church girl everyone expected great things from. On the outside, I said all the right words, did all the right things, gave to the right causes... I was the ideal Christian. And I let myself believe that as long as that was so, I would never falter. I never thought I'd end up in the mess I did. My heart was wicked and prideful and I was too arrogant and too ashamed to face the truth.

The truth was that I had a big problem with pride. I took pride in what I could do. I took pride in what I could give. I took pride in the applause my leaders gave to me. I took pride in my own strength. And then I took pride in my sin. 

Let's get one thing straight- no one wakes up one day and decides to let pride ruin his life. No one flips over and all of a sudden becomes horribly wicked and engulfed in sin. Just like being a Christian (the intentional kind) is about following a process, so too is becoming an enemy of the Cross. It is a subtle process that starts with something so small and grows into a cataclysmic catastrophe. With God's grace and our diligence, we can avoid the catastrophe and deal with it in its infancy. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't hear the baby screaming in the background- I was too busy singing louder than the rest.

Jesus told us a parable of this very problem in Luke 18.
He tells of a Pharisee and a tax collector who go to the temple to pray. The Pharisee stands and prays to God, thanking Him that he is "not like these other terrible people." The tax collector won't even dare to lift his head and begs for God to have mercy on him.. The tax collector- not the Pharisee- was justified before God.

Now, we know I was a church-going, Bible-beating, Christian. I heard this parable eight million times and I knew its message clearly. But I never took the time to reflect on my own life- my actions, my words, my thoughts- to realize that I was that horrid Pharisee.

I think of Paul and how he rejoiced in his weakness- he knew it was the only way that God's strength could be made manifest in his life. He knew the only way that God could do anything is if he became absolutely nothing.

I yearn for the faith it takes to live a life just like that! Like Paul who said, "I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith."

My process with pride began so subtly that I can't even put my finger on its starting point. Perhaps it started when I was asked to intern with the youth pastors, maybe it started when I began working in the nursery, or maybe it started when I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a room of girls on our youth conference. Whatever it was, it was subtle enough that I was blind to it. But I know if I had looked at that story in Luke 18 and meditated on its meaning and asked myself- who am I? I probably would have been able to address the issue of pride in my life a whole lot sooner.

I can't go back now and erase the mistakes my pride caused me to make. I can only become intentional about being humble. The truth is- I ain't Got It! There is so much in my life that I mess up on every single day. I am nothing compared to the glory of Christ and apart from Him I really cannot do anything at all. Apart from God, I can do nothing. It is only by abiding in His love, that I can have His grace and His strength to do anything. It is with Him only that I can dream, that I can help, that I can heal. I cannot do it on my own- I tried already (many times) and failed (over and over and over...etc.).

Check yourself today-
In America, pride is such a good thing. The more you have, the higher up you are on the chain of command, the more you can give, the more "successful" you are--- it all makes you a "better" person. A person to be esteemed and respected. But God didn't go to them. When Jesus was here, he ate with tax collectors and prostitutes.

Todd Agnew has a song called "My Jesus." My favorite verse in the song is: 

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

 I wonder who Jesus would spend His time with if He was on earth right now. I wonder who He would choose to be His twelve best friends. A year ago, I believed I lived a life that would make me worthy of that position. Now... I know for a fact if He had come to earth I would have more than likely been told: Depart from Me, I knew you not.

I don't want to make those mistakes again. I refuse to let pride take root in my life and separate me from the awesome power of God. I ain't got it. I am sinful and dirty and I make mistakes. I will never get it completely until I go home. Only then will God transform me into the perfect image of Christ. Until then, I must do all I can to live in a diligent pursuit of the holiness of Christ. No, I will never get it completely- but that means I will never be bored; there will always be one more thing to work out and work on.

Thank God, I ain't got it! Thank God I don't have to get it! God gives grace to the humble and He loves those who love Him and seek after Him. I pray to God that I never again let a self-righteous spirit convince me that I've already won this fight. As long as I'm still on this earth, as long as there are still souls to win, as long as there is still secular things battling for my time and energy- I won't have it. And that's okay. I'll just keep running for it.

Yes, Lord

Someone asked me today in an incredulous tone- "Do you really want to let God tell you who to love; how to live your life?"

It surprised me how quickly my reply came: Absolutely, YES!!

This isn't about me though, guys. This is about a power working inside of me that I didn't have before. The power of God. His Holy Spirit. It's beginning to change me. Three weeks ago I would have second guessed that answer. I would have wondered if I was making a mistake. I would fear that the one asking me would pass judgment on me.


It amazes me how prideful and arrogant I was at the start of this year (not that I am cured yet; but there is progress). One good friend described me in January as, "unwilling to listen to anything anyone else had to say." I thought I knew everything. I had every answer. I knew what I would do the next minute, the next day, the next year. 

Now God reminds me that I am but a vapor. A mist. I am here one day and the next day gone. God reminds me that His ways are so much higher than mine; His thoughts are above me. His ways are above mine. I cannot measure the depths of His understanding, nor can I understand His will. I can only say, "Yes, Lord."

I have said yes to so many things before; things that have harmed me, things that were not of God. Those things brought me to the place I found myself at on the night of February 10th. Those things had me bound tightly in chains I couldn't see. They had control of me.

But God has saved me from all of that. When I said, "Yes, Lord," the chains fell off. They were shattered and broken to pieces and I was able to enter into the wonderful freedom of Christ. I am no longer a slave to sin, but a daughter of the King. I am no longer condemned, but forgiven. Things that once had control over me: hatred, unforgiveness, doubt, fear, depression, anxiety, anger... those things became obsolete the moment I said, "Yes, Lord." How beautiful is that?

But saying yes did not end there. It continues today; everyday. I must say "yes" to Him everyday while denying myself. Joyce Meyer makes a good point about this; she says: people think it sounds so holy when you talk about denying yourself like Paul talked about. "I denied myself!" and everyone wants to applaud...

But what does that really mean? To deny oneself and accept God's will over one's own?? 

Jesus said, "He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me." 

I think about what that really means. I think of Jesus in the garden, sweating blood as He begs his Dad not to let Him die. I think about Him standing before Pontius Pilate as His fellow Jews choose a murderer to be released instead of Him. I think about the crowds of people that followed Him during His ministry- did He ever turn any of them away because He was tired or worn out? And finally I picture His cross, the nails in His hands... It wasn't comfortable to deny Himself. It wasn't easy to say "Yes, Lord." But He did it because He saw the bigger picture. He saw His Father's children in heaven for eternity. He saw others healed in His name. He saw me. He saw you.


If I do not deny myself, I am not worthy of the life God has to offer me.

There have been so many times that I have stood before God in prayer and said, "God, I am not worthy... I am dirty. I am filthy rags and ashes..." And it's true- we are very filthy in the presence of God's holiness. But Christ died that we may be cleansed; that we may approach His throne in confidence. "Come now, let us reason together. Though your sins are like scarlet, I shall make them white as snow." 


God asks us to deny ourselves so that we may be able to clothe ourselves in the worthiness that Christ earned on the cross for us. No, we will never be worthy in our own strength- just like we will never be holy or perfect or humble. But because of Jesus' sacrifice, we can clothe ourselves in His holiness, His righteousness, His humbleness, and His worthiness. And in His worthiness, we can lay hold of a destiny beyond our wildest dreams.  But we must say "Yes, Lord."


It's easy to say "yes" to things that sound exciting. If God said you were going to write a best seller for Him or reach the lost in far away places like Mozambique or the Andes, it would be easy to jump up and down and agree whole heartedly. But God never starts there. 

He never starts by asking us to go to Africa. He asks us to obey our parents. He doesn't start by asking us to raise the dead. He asks us to give up our facebook account or cell phone. He starts by asking us to give up our boyfriend or girlfriend. He asks us to give up talking back and arguing. He asks us to stop drinking or stop looking at those pictures. 


He who is faithful with a little can be trusted with much.

It isn't until we are faithful and say "yes"  with the little things like having quiet time everyday, giving to someone in need without gloating about it, listening for once instead of sharing your life story all the time, that God begins to ask us to say "yes" to the things we find more exciting. It comes through sacrifice. The more we die to ourselves, the more God is able to trust us with His will.


I can confess that I am not there yet. I am still saying "yes" to the little things like quiet times and resisting temptations, and a lot of times I say "no" and have to go back and ask for God to forgive me... But I am learning. Saying "yes" today was a step for me. This is all a process. But I know that as I continue to say "yes" to things like that, God will begin giving me more to say "yes" to.

I am still trying to figure out my purpose and the will God has for me. I may be a missionary, a writer, a teacher, or a housewife... I don't know. But I know that as I continue to say "yes" to God and "no" to myself, He will continue revealing His perfect plan to me. I know these small steps are going to take me into a great destiny. If I practice being faithful now, there is nothing God can't accomplish through me later. I have decided to keep saying "Yes, Lord." No matter what.

I have lived life without those two words. I lived life saying "yes" to myself all the time and it only got me lost. I know that when I am in control of my life, everything spins out of control. So instead I say, "Yes, Lord, thy will be done."