Becoming Nothing

I feel myself trying to take over again; trying to take control- or to stay in control. I feel those tiny anxieties and fears trickling into my daily life so simply as I never stop to question if they're really necessary or even logical. Meanwhile I hear you saying quietly: Just surrender.

You see me. I know you see me. And yet I find myself worrying if you even know what I'm going through. I know you are faithful. You have proven your faithfulness to me over and over again. But I'm looking at the weeks ahead and I'm seeing all the scribbling in my agenda and calendar... I'm seeing the tiny equations on post-it notes as I try to balance time and budget money... And I'm questioning if you will meet me where I can't make ends meet.

I hear you giving me the obvious answer: Seek first me and my kingdom...

But that seems too abstract to lay hold of at the moment. Seek. What does that mean? Like Hide and Seek? Is there a possibility that you've hidden so well, or that I am too blind to see, that I just might miss you? I'm afraid to miss you.

I know the kind of person I become when my focus isn't on you. I know the damage I am capable of. And I know the places I've been that I've sworn never to return to. Will I end up there again as school and work and "just surviving" become my life?

I don't want to feel like I'm "just surviving." I want life in abundance. But will life in abundance come at a price I'm not willing to pay? Perhaps it will cost my 4.0, or my cushioned bank account. Maybe it will cost me sleep or convenience... Will I be willing to accept that?

I don't know what you want from me this next semester because I've been so busy trying to make sure that I'll get what I want. But as the end of summer draws closer, I'm realizing it can't be about me anymore. I'm starting to see the bigger picture- even if it's only a hazy image in the distance right now.

Help me surrender to you. Help me remember that at the end of the day, it's about you and your will for my life. Help me focus on heavenly things. Help me remember that what is here and now is only temporary, and that the only things that will truly matter are those that are eternal. Help me remember that the only way you can be anything in my life, is if I allow myself to become nothing.