Maybe it's strange... but I feel like I heard you this morning. "I'm baptizing you in my tears." Soaking wet... Rain and thunder all around. And in the moment I couldn't figure out why. Dripping in the doorway, feeling sick and exhausted. Afraid for the day because I know my anxiety has been all over the place lately... But it's then that I felt your still small voice... baptizing me in your tears. The umbrella broke and I ran like crazy... I ran from the sorrow, for fear of vulnerability... I didn't want to look so stupid... but now I wish I could have paused for a moment and let you comfort me there.
I'm not sad today. A very sad thing happened a year ago, but I have a peace about it right now. I don't understand it. And as much as I wish I had the answers, I don't. But I feel like you cried for me this morning. You cried for my whole family. You let me feel your teardrops from heaven. And I see now how it must have hurt you immensely also when we lost him. It must be hard for you to break our hearts. But I guess if our hearts weren't broken sometimes, then we'd be missing out on a particular depth of your love for us. What happened a year ago wasn't okay. And it hurt. And I'm disappointed and confused. But I am finally accepting your healing from the pain and I can't blame you anymore.
I thought I was going to be mourning a year without his smile and happy go lucky personality. I thought we'd all be crying for the loss of a precious child who was always ready to cook us some "dindin." I should have known a balloon was no symbol of mourning though. In fact, we use them to celebrate. And as strange as it might seem to some people, that's exactly what we did. We celebrated his Home coming into your kingdom. And we had the chance to just imagine what that little guy is doing up there with you and all your angels.
I feel you so much closer right now. Over the last few days I feel like I have been able to experience you and encounter you in simple but profound ways. I can't help wondering if you are making yourself more apparent, or if I'm just finally beginning to recognize you in the ordinary. I'm beginning to realize just how great you are. I feel you pursuing me, leaving me tiny love notes throughout the day. A dragonfly in my hair, a bird so close it nearly frightened me, a face in the clouds... I feel you calling to me in a deeper way.
I feel you asking me to risk more, to trust more, to give more. I feel you calling me to something bigger than myself. I am finding strength in your joy and peace. I am finding rest in your arms. I am beginning to see how the life I'm living now has the potentional to impact generations to come. I am recognizing areas of my life that have become so different in the last 6 months, and other areas that I'm just beginning to surrender to you. I am ready to dive deeper, to peel back more layers, to find more of you and become more like you. It's as though every time I think I'm almost there, I realize the adventure is still just beginning, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
8/4/12
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