What I Couldn't Say Last Night.

I said I wouldn't come back here again.
I said I was moving forward... but I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

I should have come to you when I was counting steps again. But I didn't realize where it was leading me to. Back in the messes that you spent so much time gently carrying me away from so you could pick up the shattered pieces before they pierced me again...

I feel like the white crayon in the box... seen, noticed, just like the rest I have a wrapper and a label... but for some reason I am unusable. So I sit here waiting for a black sheet of paper to give me purpose. But I fear the world has run out of black paper. Do you have a plan for me?

I'm so nervous now. That uneasy feeling in my stomach is back... If I do anything wrong, say anything off cue, then everything will begin to unravel. I feel like it's my job to hold everything together, to be strong, to have the backbone for everyone else... but all this weight is killing me... I think my bones are breaking.

I'm so used to being the one who has it all together, that I can't even fall apart in front of you... I fell apart alone last night... and they told me you were there waiting for me to turn to you... but I couldn't find you. My vision was blurred by the tears, I guess. Or maybe my heart was too afraid for you to meet me in that place.

I don't understand how I can want you and need you and still not let you see me so vulnerable. I'm afraid if you see me fall apart, you, too, will see me as inadequate, uanble to fullfill any expectations you may have of me. Or maybe my fear is that you'll still want to use me, and I can't comprehend why you would use someone so broken... I'm fearing what I don't even know to be certain.

I feel like I'm failing you, and I wonder if I'll ever get it right. I want to run so far right now, but I refuse to run again... Give me the strength to stay and deal with this now...