A Good Goodbye

You speak to me in colors. Your voice comes to me, and it's as though I've always known you; it's like I never left. I look back over the last six months and I see where we have gone together. The tiny crevices of my past that I kept hidden for so long, the mountains in my life that I could never quite climb, the battles we fought together. No. The battles you fought for me. I see the redemption you are bringing into my life. It's like the echo I live with: redeeming love. And I see the healing you are bringing every day. The restoration in my relationships. I am struck with one thing now though- the why. And I know I may only ever get that answer on the other side of Better.

But I feel somehow that I'm getting closer to that these days. I believe I'll be Better soon. I long to see you, to touch you, to lay my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat... to kneel in reverence before you and to kiss your feet with gratitude. My heart longs for home. And yet I know there's more to do before I see you. My heart is breaking for my family. For those who know you- so they claim. My heart cries for Christians who are failing to be Christ-like. I am not angry. I am only broken. And I am concerned about what this says to your other children that haven't met you yet.

I cry because I want the world to experience the love I have with you. And my heart breaks because I'm afraid I'm part of the ones standing in the way of that. What does my life say about my God? And, God, what are you saying about my life? It's becoming no small thing. Every little thing that I was ignoring has gathered significance somehow. I only want to please you. Are you happy with the way I'm living my life?

I feel you telling me that it's almost over. Before I was afraid, but now I'm not. I used to want to stay because I feared so much regret if I left. But I have no more regrets. I have made peace with it all, I believe. I have figured out truth and I'm walking in that. I was angry at first because I thought I'd be losing something if you took me away from here... But now I see that I would gain so much instead. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."* I know you're asking me to look ahead now... and I'm okay with that.



*C. S. Lewis