Behind The Scenes

I'm beginning to see that you are wind to me. Strong, fierce, and changing. And yet still gentle and sweet. You are ungraspable, and yet all around me. I'm beginning to see you differently. I'm realizing that part of being in control is having the freedom to let you be in control. I'm learning that my fears are usually irrational. I'm seeing for the first time that my relationship with you is only with you, and I don't need anyone else to aid in that relationship. Where I don't measure up, you become more than enough. And no other person can replace all that you are to me.

And it hurts sometimes- all the time lately. Because I realize it's not about proving myself, and it's not about pleasing others- all the things I'm so great at. This is something so different. It's about being in love with you. And I haven't ever been good at that. And that scares me because if I have to love fully and love well, then I might get hurt- I will get hurt. And for so long, I've done everything possible to ensure that pain was avoided at all costs. Now I'm seeing that without pain, love cannot persist. Because love matters most when it's healing pain.

I am seeing how imperfect I am. I am seeing how much I complain, how much I fight, how much I feel like I have to be right all of the time. I am seeing how it causes divisions with the people I claim matter so much to me. And I'm wondering if they really matter to me at all. I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I am dramatic and it's wearing those around me out. I am letting myself become a burden instead of a blessing and I am seeking the attention of others instead of delighting in being your daughter.

Why am I so afraid to be ignored? It is when I have no other distraction that I find myself so much closer to you... so being forgotten for a time might be okay. But I am afraid I suppose... If no one is paying attention to me, then I can do whatever I want and not get caught... performance... I fear that is my life now. It seems to be the only way I know how to live. But I am so sick of performing. I am sick of reciting the right lines and seeking standing ovations. I want to be real. When the curtains close, the lights go out, and my audience goes home- who am I? And does that person bring a smile to your face?

I want to bring a smile to your face when no one is looking. I want to have the freedom to let go and let you be God. I want to have the wisdom and faith to see past my circumstances and see your plan. I want to trust that even when everything around me says it's game over, that you have a trick up your sleeve bound to wow me. I don't want to talk about you as though you are too abstract to know intimately. I want my life to be so wrapped up in our love, that no one can know me well without knowing who you are first. Who am I behind the scenes? I dont want to be a performer... I want to be real.