One Moment at a Time, One Day at a Time.

I have to believe that the life You want for me is better than the life I'm living now. I have to trust that you see me. Even in  my pain and failure and pessimistic attitude. I have to believe you see more than the girl facing me in the mirror with scars and wounds sometimes too deep to notice. I need to know that when I fall down again, you're not going to wring your hands of me and be through for good.

But for some reason, I have a hard time clinging to that.

I guess I'm used to people walking away and giving up. I'm used to people walking out and never speaking to me again. I'm used to being "too much to handle" and "too much baggage to sort through." I've had so many people promise me "forever" and then abandon me, that I've grown to accept it from everyone. Including you. But I want to believe that you're not just "people" and that you're never leaving me.

"I won't let you coast by... fight for your life!" She said that with more love than I'm able to believe of her right now. And I feel like that's what they're all telling me- we're not going to let you give up now, you've come too far, we're fighting for you, now fight for yourself....

Have I given up on the will to fight for my own life? Have I fallen so far that I really believe I'm worthless and incapable of fighting the forces against me?

I am hated by the enemy. And this world has expressed so much hatred towards me too. I have been under attack all my life, from the moment I was born, there has been a struggle for my life- perhaps even before that. Since the beginning, I have had to fight. And now I'm afraid that there's nothing left in me to fight.

But I know that if I've had to fight this hard for this long, it must be because I'm destined for something that will require all this strength, something extraordinary, something amazing; I am destined for greatness. And if that is true, I must keep fighting to get there.

I just need to remember that the lessons I'm learning now and the battles I'm fighting today are what will bring me into that destiny- I must grow into it by being obedient now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week. But today I'm going to try to fight at least a little more. I don't know how long I will be able to go before I give in again, but I'm going to believe in myself in this moment.