Saying Yes

She told me that true love is saying yes before you even know the question. And that thought stuck with me for the rest of the day. I feel like I've told You yes... but I feel like it was only temporary. I said yes in  my current circumstances and I said yes because the question was clearly articulated. But what if saying yes isn't just for the now? What if it's for the eternal, for the unseen, for the questions you haven't asked me yet? Am I willing to say yes to that? I want to be.

I feel like you're asking something of me. And I have been waiting for the question to be clear before I decided how to answer. But I'm struck with the idea that maybe you're waiting for my answer first.

I told her I felt like I was in the freezer section at Target. I feel like I am looking for my favorite ice cream flavor, and I can't see it because the automatic lights only come on when I'm close enough to the door for the censor to signal... I feel like I'm passing by a lot of great flavors. Good things. But there just not mine to have. If I stopped and settled for Vanilla because I can't see my favorite, it'll still be ice cream and I'll still have dessert... but it won't be as satisfying as the mint chocolate chip... even if I can't see it yet, I have to trust it's just a few doors down and keep moving.

I don't want to settle. I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to be okay with letting the ordinary suffice. I want the extraordinary. I feel like you're asking me to say yes to that. But in saying yes to that, what am I really agreeing to? What is the extraordinary? That's what I don't know and that's what has held me back from telling you I'm okay with it.
I refuse to keep being held back by fear though. I refuse to let the unknown keep me from reaching for what you have for me. I don't want to identify myself with a plan or with a GPA or degree. I don't want to be identified by what I do or what I like. I want to be identified by you. And I want you to direct my steps.

I have realized that I'm okay if by saying yes to that, I have to say no to everything else.