We went around in a circle, each sharing a fear we have... And for a moment I wasn't sure I had an answer. Then I remembered that recurring dream. To them it must have seemed silly... almost a sad attempt to avoid an honest response. But it was so deeply honest that I'm still thinking about it a day later.
I'm driving in the dead of night and I drive up one side of an overpass... But when I get to the top, the rest of the road is gone and I fall into a black abyss. The fear I feel as my car plummets into the dark unknown is the scariest feeling of my life. Even though it's only a dream, I still awake shaking, sweating, making sure I'm not dead.
"So you're afraid of the horizon?" he asked.
All these years I've wondered what this dream meant. I've wondered why it bothers me so much and yet I've never really heard such a profound interpretation. In the moment he asked me, I played it off with a smile. But now I realize how perfect- whether he meant it or not- that interpretation is.
The fear of what lies ahead, the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the future. It is the one thing that worries me more than anything. I guess because I've never felt secure. I've always felt like a drifter, uprooted and dislocated. Moving all around and never finding a place I could call home. I remember when I was called a "refugee" after Katrina... that word made me so angry. And yet that's how I feel I see myself- a vagabond, a wanderer, one who will never settle down and commit to something solid... someone who is running from something.
I guess my biggest fear is not knowing what my future is. I fear that I'm still running. I feel like I've been running so long that I no longer know what I am running from or running towards. I know I committed to follow You, Abba... but I don't know where I'm following you to. And that scares me. I still question who it is you're calling me to be and I'm still looking for my purpose in this world. A part of me is so afraid that I'll never figure it out. I feel like I've been so sure so often and let down each time that the fear of another disappointment makes me neglect to really seek what I should be after. What should I be chasing after?
I'm driving in the dead of night and I drive up one side of an overpass... But when I get to the top, the rest of the road is gone and I fall into a black abyss. The fear I feel as my car plummets into the dark unknown is the scariest feeling of my life. Even though it's only a dream, I still awake shaking, sweating, making sure I'm not dead.
"So you're afraid of the horizon?" he asked.
All these years I've wondered what this dream meant. I've wondered why it bothers me so much and yet I've never really heard such a profound interpretation. In the moment he asked me, I played it off with a smile. But now I realize how perfect- whether he meant it or not- that interpretation is.
The fear of what lies ahead, the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the future. It is the one thing that worries me more than anything. I guess because I've never felt secure. I've always felt like a drifter, uprooted and dislocated. Moving all around and never finding a place I could call home. I remember when I was called a "refugee" after Katrina... that word made me so angry. And yet that's how I feel I see myself- a vagabond, a wanderer, one who will never settle down and commit to something solid... someone who is running from something.
I guess my biggest fear is not knowing what my future is. I fear that I'm still running. I feel like I've been running so long that I no longer know what I am running from or running towards. I know I committed to follow You, Abba... but I don't know where I'm following you to. And that scares me. I still question who it is you're calling me to be and I'm still looking for my purpose in this world. A part of me is so afraid that I'll never figure it out. I feel like I've been so sure so often and let down each time that the fear of another disappointment makes me neglect to really seek what I should be after. What should I be chasing after?
I don't want to run from Truth, but I don't want to chase a lie either. I need a sign that the life I'm living and the choices I'm making are bringing me closer to the destiny you have for me. I need to know that this is not another futile attempt to gain the applause of those around me. I'm not asking to see the full picture... but can you show me a little glimpse of what is to come?
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