I didn't mean to make it sound like a joke. I said it sarcastically with a smirk though, so I guess you couldn't have taken it any other way. That's my fault. I was afraid you might think it was stupid. So I figured telling you with sarcasm would save me the ridicule and rejection I feared would follow. But now I wish you could have seen how honestly I meant what I said. I guess I'll write it here in hopes of being able to say it to your face someday. Or maybe, just maybe, you'll read my story for yourself.
The truth is that I am saved now. Saved from myself and saved from the destruction I was running full speed ahead towards. I am very different than the girl who walked into that restaurant almost a year ago. I am not angry or bitter like I was, and though I haven't quite figured out all the reasons why I had to hurt so badly, I've stopped living in the past, dwelling on it, and I have started moving forward. But none of it is even about me. It's about the Lover of my soul.
He loved me so much that he relentlessly chased me, even in my rebellion. And he longed to hold me so close to His heart, that he continued blessing me when I didn't deserve it. My Lover pursued me like no other, even while I was a harlot chasing lovers that would never satisfy. He found me captivating and lovely when all I could see in the mirror was filth and worthlessness. And when I finally turned to embrace Him, His love began to change me.
He is still changing me, chipping away at all the things that don't belong, reshaping me into His image, hammering away at all the things that still need to be fixed and creating within me a picture of Beauty I cannot begin to fathom. He's not finished with me yet. That's why I still mess up. I still have my moments when the wrong words come out, or the right words come out in the wrong way, like today. And I'm still learning to fight fear and insecurities. But that is the miracle, I think. The miracle isn't that I'm perfect now. The miracle is that my imperfection is a perfect example of how amazing His love is. The fact that a Perfect God would chose to spend so much time on me in order that I might be a better example of everything He is-- that's what I find miraculous.
I just pray that you might encounter that Love fully. I pray you get the chance to fall into the arms of the One who is also chasing you relentlessly. I pray you have the chance to look past religion and experience the beauty of a relationship. I know you said you talk to God. I pray you're able to hear Him talking back. I pray you know how much He loves you, because I know He really does.
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