Maybe Ignorance is Bliss?

I can't collect my feet. I feel like I've completely face planted in this thing called life. I don't want to keep trying, but I don't want to lay here on the ground forever either. I thought I was figuring things out... It started out as such a slow walk, but it grew into a race and I was excited to see myself moving forward. Now I feel like I've come to a complete halt. I feel like there are things I'll never get past and that I'll never quite be alright.

She told me I was a liar- as if I didn't already know I had lied. But somehow that just reminded me of all the times before when I was reminded of who the original liar was and how they compared me to him. I was reminded all over again of the pain they caused me. And even though it wasn't all my fault, I had to take all the blame. And I don't want to take the blame for this.

She told me my absense would be noticed, but I don't believe here. I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference if I am around or not... I don't think I'm really that valuable. I'm just another number and when I'm gone, another person could replace me easily. I want to be alone.

She told me I wanted to be sad and asked me why. She said if I just laughed, it would make my brain happier. And it made me feel insulted. Like she was calling me stubborn or childish. I didn't want to be happy. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to reflect on my pain for a moment. I wanted to wrap myself in it and dull myself into it until it was a comfortable shell keeping me from them. And when she called me out, it made me feel even more like I wanted to run away.

It would be easy to run, to make the great escape, to numb myself and walk away from feeling. It would be easy to be selfish and avoid reconciliation. It would be easy to pretend like everything is alright all of the time. I want things to be easy.

But I know too much to believe that it's alright to do what's easy all of the time. It's like I've been let in on the secret to it all... and knowing that secret means I should have it all together now. But to be honest, I don't have it together at all. I found the secret, but the secret is that it's hard. It's really hard. And the secret is, that it takes sacrifice and commitment. And I think I might be too selfish for that.

I wish I never knew the truth. I wish I could blindly do what's easy and believe it was okay.