Thank God, I ain't got it!

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it springs the issues of life. --Proverbs 4:23

...For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. --Matthew 12:34

I remember sitting there in those rows of chairs meant to look like pews. My notebook placed in my lap, scribbling down everything the pastor said and being sure I didn't miss a thing. I remember standing there, arms lifted to heaven. I remember being in the front, jumping above the crowd to the beat of the drums. And I remember thinking- Yeah-- I got it. I am not the scum I was. I am not the mess I go to school with. I got it. And with it, I'm going places.

And that's what got me going nowhere fast.

I was the church girl everyone expected great things from. On the outside, I said all the right words, did all the right things, gave to the right causes... I was the ideal Christian. And I let myself believe that as long as that was so, I would never falter. I never thought I'd end up in the mess I did. My heart was wicked and prideful and I was too arrogant and too ashamed to face the truth.

The truth was that I had a big problem with pride. I took pride in what I could do. I took pride in what I could give. I took pride in the applause my leaders gave to me. I took pride in my own strength. And then I took pride in my sin. 

Let's get one thing straight- no one wakes up one day and decides to let pride ruin his life. No one flips over and all of a sudden becomes horribly wicked and engulfed in sin. Just like being a Christian (the intentional kind) is about following a process, so too is becoming an enemy of the Cross. It is a subtle process that starts with something so small and grows into a cataclysmic catastrophe. With God's grace and our diligence, we can avoid the catastrophe and deal with it in its infancy. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't hear the baby screaming in the background- I was too busy singing louder than the rest.

Jesus told us a parable of this very problem in Luke 18.
He tells of a Pharisee and a tax collector who go to the temple to pray. The Pharisee stands and prays to God, thanking Him that he is "not like these other terrible people." The tax collector won't even dare to lift his head and begs for God to have mercy on him.. The tax collector- not the Pharisee- was justified before God.

Now, we know I was a church-going, Bible-beating, Christian. I heard this parable eight million times and I knew its message clearly. But I never took the time to reflect on my own life- my actions, my words, my thoughts- to realize that I was that horrid Pharisee.

I think of Paul and how he rejoiced in his weakness- he knew it was the only way that God's strength could be made manifest in his life. He knew the only way that God could do anything is if he became absolutely nothing.

I yearn for the faith it takes to live a life just like that! Like Paul who said, "I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith."

My process with pride began so subtly that I can't even put my finger on its starting point. Perhaps it started when I was asked to intern with the youth pastors, maybe it started when I began working in the nursery, or maybe it started when I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a room of girls on our youth conference. Whatever it was, it was subtle enough that I was blind to it. But I know if I had looked at that story in Luke 18 and meditated on its meaning and asked myself- who am I? I probably would have been able to address the issue of pride in my life a whole lot sooner.

I can't go back now and erase the mistakes my pride caused me to make. I can only become intentional about being humble. The truth is- I ain't Got It! There is so much in my life that I mess up on every single day. I am nothing compared to the glory of Christ and apart from Him I really cannot do anything at all. Apart from God, I can do nothing. It is only by abiding in His love, that I can have His grace and His strength to do anything. It is with Him only that I can dream, that I can help, that I can heal. I cannot do it on my own- I tried already (many times) and failed (over and over and over...etc.).

Check yourself today-
In America, pride is such a good thing. The more you have, the higher up you are on the chain of command, the more you can give, the more "successful" you are--- it all makes you a "better" person. A person to be esteemed and respected. But God didn't go to them. When Jesus was here, he ate with tax collectors and prostitutes.

Todd Agnew has a song called "My Jesus." My favorite verse in the song is: 

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

 I wonder who Jesus would spend His time with if He was on earth right now. I wonder who He would choose to be His twelve best friends. A year ago, I believed I lived a life that would make me worthy of that position. Now... I know for a fact if He had come to earth I would have more than likely been told: Depart from Me, I knew you not.

I don't want to make those mistakes again. I refuse to let pride take root in my life and separate me from the awesome power of God. I ain't got it. I am sinful and dirty and I make mistakes. I will never get it completely until I go home. Only then will God transform me into the perfect image of Christ. Until then, I must do all I can to live in a diligent pursuit of the holiness of Christ. No, I will never get it completely- but that means I will never be bored; there will always be one more thing to work out and work on.

Thank God, I ain't got it! Thank God I don't have to get it! God gives grace to the humble and He loves those who love Him and seek after Him. I pray to God that I never again let a self-righteous spirit convince me that I've already won this fight. As long as I'm still on this earth, as long as there are still souls to win, as long as there is still secular things battling for my time and energy- I won't have it. And that's okay. I'll just keep running for it.