A Good Goodbye

You speak to me in colors. Your voice comes to me, and it's as though I've always known you; it's like I never left. I look back over the last six months and I see where we have gone together. The tiny crevices of my past that I kept hidden for so long, the mountains in my life that I could never quite climb, the battles we fought together. No. The battles you fought for me. I see the redemption you are bringing into my life. It's like the echo I live with: redeeming love. And I see the healing you are bringing every day. The restoration in my relationships. I am struck with one thing now though- the why. And I know I may only ever get that answer on the other side of Better.

But I feel somehow that I'm getting closer to that these days. I believe I'll be Better soon. I long to see you, to touch you, to lay my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat... to kneel in reverence before you and to kiss your feet with gratitude. My heart longs for home. And yet I know there's more to do before I see you. My heart is breaking for my family. For those who know you- so they claim. My heart cries for Christians who are failing to be Christ-like. I am not angry. I am only broken. And I am concerned about what this says to your other children that haven't met you yet.

I cry because I want the world to experience the love I have with you. And my heart breaks because I'm afraid I'm part of the ones standing in the way of that. What does my life say about my God? And, God, what are you saying about my life? It's becoming no small thing. Every little thing that I was ignoring has gathered significance somehow. I only want to please you. Are you happy with the way I'm living my life?

I feel you telling me that it's almost over. Before I was afraid, but now I'm not. I used to want to stay because I feared so much regret if I left. But I have no more regrets. I have made peace with it all, I believe. I have figured out truth and I'm walking in that. I was angry at first because I thought I'd be losing something if you took me away from here... But now I see that I would gain so much instead. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."* I know you're asking me to look ahead now... and I'm okay with that.



*C. S. Lewis

Becoming Nothing

I feel myself trying to take over again; trying to take control- or to stay in control. I feel those tiny anxieties and fears trickling into my daily life so simply as I never stop to question if they're really necessary or even logical. Meanwhile I hear you saying quietly: Just surrender.

You see me. I know you see me. And yet I find myself worrying if you even know what I'm going through. I know you are faithful. You have proven your faithfulness to me over and over again. But I'm looking at the weeks ahead and I'm seeing all the scribbling in my agenda and calendar... I'm seeing the tiny equations on post-it notes as I try to balance time and budget money... And I'm questioning if you will meet me where I can't make ends meet.

I hear you giving me the obvious answer: Seek first me and my kingdom...

But that seems too abstract to lay hold of at the moment. Seek. What does that mean? Like Hide and Seek? Is there a possibility that you've hidden so well, or that I am too blind to see, that I just might miss you? I'm afraid to miss you.

I know the kind of person I become when my focus isn't on you. I know the damage I am capable of. And I know the places I've been that I've sworn never to return to. Will I end up there again as school and work and "just surviving" become my life?

I don't want to feel like I'm "just surviving." I want life in abundance. But will life in abundance come at a price I'm not willing to pay? Perhaps it will cost my 4.0, or my cushioned bank account. Maybe it will cost me sleep or convenience... Will I be willing to accept that?

I don't know what you want from me this next semester because I've been so busy trying to make sure that I'll get what I want. But as the end of summer draws closer, I'm realizing it can't be about me anymore. I'm starting to see the bigger picture- even if it's only a hazy image in the distance right now.

Help me surrender to you. Help me remember that at the end of the day, it's about you and your will for my life. Help me focus on heavenly things. Help me remember that what is here and now is only temporary, and that the only things that will truly matter are those that are eternal. Help me remember that the only way you can be anything in my life, is if I allow myself to become nothing.

Come Close

I want to dance into your arms like every father's daughter should... I want to spin with you in circles until we're laughing uncontrollably. I want to rest in your arms, my head on your chest, as I listen to just the beat of your heart. I want to know you more. Understand you more deeply. I want to be with you constantly. But I feel like everything else is distracting me from that.

I want to know that what I'm seeing now, all the things that don't make sense and don't seem fair, are nevertheless in your hands. I want to know that you see me, that you know how much it's hurting, and that you're going to work it out for me in your perfect timing.

I can't slow down, it seems. There are so many demands and expectations. I feel like there's a sign on my back saying "kick me" because every time I'm finally moving again, I get knocked back down. I feel like the whole world is waiting for me to fail so that they can all say "I told you so."

But you promised me that I would not be left in need. You promised that you would not let me be put to shame. You promised that you would provide for me. You promised that I would experience life in abundance. I'm trying to remember that and believe for that- regardless of the circumstances I'm in.
Give me a gentle spirit. Give me your peace. Help me settle down and focus on you. Help my eyes stay fixed on you in this storm, in this chaos. My fears are growing and so is the anxiety. I feel as though you're a million miles away, not right next to me. Can you show me that you're close to me?

I feel so selfish for asking. I feel greedy for wanting things to be easier. I feel like I'm acting like a two year old. And that makes me feel like I'm disgracing you... Is it okay for me to want more of your presence? Is it okay for me to find this situation difficult? Is it okay that I'm hurting right now? Or am I being a baby? I don't want to make you angry...

I want to trust you. I don't want to complain or fall apart at the seams. I don't even want to fix it all myself. I just want to know that you're here. I want to know that you're holding my mess together... I want to know that you're not leaving me with all these problems. I need you right now.

One Moment at a Time, One Day at a Time.

I have to believe that the life You want for me is better than the life I'm living now. I have to trust that you see me. Even in  my pain and failure and pessimistic attitude. I have to believe you see more than the girl facing me in the mirror with scars and wounds sometimes too deep to notice. I need to know that when I fall down again, you're not going to wring your hands of me and be through for good.

But for some reason, I have a hard time clinging to that.

I guess I'm used to people walking away and giving up. I'm used to people walking out and never speaking to me again. I'm used to being "too much to handle" and "too much baggage to sort through." I've had so many people promise me "forever" and then abandon me, that I've grown to accept it from everyone. Including you. But I want to believe that you're not just "people" and that you're never leaving me.

"I won't let you coast by... fight for your life!" She said that with more love than I'm able to believe of her right now. And I feel like that's what they're all telling me- we're not going to let you give up now, you've come too far, we're fighting for you, now fight for yourself....

Have I given up on the will to fight for my own life? Have I fallen so far that I really believe I'm worthless and incapable of fighting the forces against me?

I am hated by the enemy. And this world has expressed so much hatred towards me too. I have been under attack all my life, from the moment I was born, there has been a struggle for my life- perhaps even before that. Since the beginning, I have had to fight. And now I'm afraid that there's nothing left in me to fight.

But I know that if I've had to fight this hard for this long, it must be because I'm destined for something that will require all this strength, something extraordinary, something amazing; I am destined for greatness. And if that is true, I must keep fighting to get there.

I just need to remember that the lessons I'm learning now and the battles I'm fighting today are what will bring me into that destiny- I must grow into it by being obedient now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week. But today I'm going to try to fight at least a little more. I don't know how long I will be able to go before I give in again, but I'm going to believe in myself in this moment.

Words in Red

I'm afraid that I crave pain. I'm afraid that it's the only way I know how to live. I'm afraid that I'm too ashamed to be vulnerable. I'm afraid that if others see me for who I really am, that they will abandon me.

Why do I fear losing what isn't really so valuable? And why do I run from the only thing I know can truly sustain me? Why do I abuse myself like this? Why do I allow for this pain to take on a mind of its own?

Ritualistic patterns, the numbness quickly turns to a rush of reality... Calm ensues, but only for as long as I can forget that I'll have to explain it all later.

Eight years is long enough. Eight years is almost half my life. But it seems like I've never known anything different. And maybe I haven't. Even at five, my response was to hit myself for mistakes...

Why do I refuse to run to you? Why do I hide behind bandages and fake smiles?

"It's a long story." No, it really isn't. The story is that I'm just hurting and I'm afraid to let you know how much.

I don't even know what hurts so badly. I only know that this has to stop. I know I need solace. I need peace. I need to know that if I can't stop you'll still love me. Because then I'll know that something is more reliable than this.

It all comes down to choosing between the words in red. One set etched into my skin, another set written in the Book I pretend to cling to...

My Last Apology

It's not that I thought things would be just like before. I didn't expect that kind of treatment after the way I left. But I thought that maybe we could talk. I guess I was hoping you would say more than only hello. I thought maybe you'd care a little bit to know about all that I'm walking through now. But perhaps I ruined that for good.

I don't know why it hurt me so much to only have 5 seconds with you. I know you are busy and I probably shouldn't take it personally. I also know that I have such wonderful spiritual leaders in my life right now and that I'm not lacking a pastor. But I longed to tell you more than "I'm doing great."

I didn't want to sound superficial or appear to be wearing a mask to make you happy. I was hoping you'd see the joy radiating off of me... I was hoping you could see how loved I felt by Him and how much He's changed my life. I hoped that maybe you would be happy that I finally figured it out. But then I have to remind myself that what He and I have is not to please you, and that your opinion, your interest or disinterst makes no difference.

I know the way I left before was wrong. And I'm only now starting to understand the ripple effect it seems to have caused. I'm just now beginning to realize the full impact my poor judgement and terrible decisions had on all the other people that were looking towards me. I can't turn back the clock now though, so I guess I was hoping you might say you forgive me.

I know it must have been difficult. I'm sure there were so many questions that no one had the answers too. I'm sure you all wondered what was really going on inside of my head and I'm sure you probably questioned your ability to discern the intentions of others. I wish I could have given you more answers then, but I didn't have any at the time. Now I feel like I've got some answers for you, but I'm afraid you're too fed up to hear what I want so badly to say to you.

I am sorry though. I am sorry that I made the mistakes that I did. That doesn't mean I want to come back. It doesn't mean I want things how they were before. I just feel as though we've had no closure. And I just want you to know that I've grown up. I want you to know that I found truth. I want you to know that I miss you. I want you to know that I wish you missed me too.

I feel as though you prefer for us to be strangers now. And that kills me because according to Truth, we're meant to be family. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if I'll ever prove to you that I'm not the same person I was a year ago. But I know I can't prove anything to you; it'll have to be up to God.

I wonder if we'll still be strangers in Eternity...

Deep Calls Unto Deep

Maybe it's strange... but I feel like I heard you this morning. "I'm baptizing you in my tears." Soaking wet... Rain and thunder all around. And in the moment I couldn't figure out why. Dripping in the doorway, feeling sick and exhausted. Afraid for the day because I know my anxiety has been all over the place lately... But it's then that I felt your still small voice... baptizing me in your tears. The umbrella broke and I ran like crazy... I ran from the sorrow, for fear of vulnerability... I didn't want to look so stupid... but now I wish I could have paused for a moment and let you comfort me there.


I'm not sad today. A very sad thing happened a year ago, but I have a peace about it right now. I don't understand it. And as much as I wish I had the answers, I don't. But I feel like you cried for me this morning. You cried for my whole family. You let me feel your teardrops from heaven. And I see now how it must have hurt you immensely also when we lost him. It must be hard for you to break our hearts. But I guess if our hearts weren't broken sometimes, then we'd be missing out on a particular depth of your love for us. What happened a year ago wasn't okay. And it hurt. And I'm disappointed and confused. But I am finally accepting your healing from the pain and I can't blame you anymore.


I thought I was going to be mourning a year without his smile and happy go lucky personality. I thought we'd all be crying for the loss of a precious child who was always ready to cook us some "dindin." I should have known a balloon was no symbol of mourning though. In fact, we use them to celebrate. And as strange as it might seem to some people, that's exactly what we did. We celebrated his Home coming into your kingdom. And we had the chance to just imagine what that little guy is doing up there with you and all your angels.


I feel you so much closer right now. Over the last few days I feel like I have been able to experience you and encounter you in simple but profound ways. I can't help wondering if you are making yourself more apparent, or if I'm just finally beginning to recognize you in the ordinary. I'm beginning to realize just how great you are. I feel you pursuing me, leaving me tiny love notes throughout the day. A dragonfly in my hair, a bird so close it nearly frightened me, a face in the clouds... I feel you calling to me in a deeper way.


I feel you asking me to risk more, to trust more, to give more. I feel you calling me to something bigger than myself. I am finding strength in your joy and peace. I am finding rest in your arms. I am beginning to see how the life I'm living now has the potentional to impact generations to come. I am recognizing areas of my life that have become so different in the last 6 months, and other areas that I'm just beginning to surrender to you. I am ready to dive deeper, to peel back more layers, to find more of you and become more like you. It's as though every time I think I'm almost there, I realize the adventure is still just beginning, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

8/4/12

What I Couldn't Say Last Night.

I said I wouldn't come back here again.
I said I was moving forward... but I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

I should have come to you when I was counting steps again. But I didn't realize where it was leading me to. Back in the messes that you spent so much time gently carrying me away from so you could pick up the shattered pieces before they pierced me again...

I feel like the white crayon in the box... seen, noticed, just like the rest I have a wrapper and a label... but for some reason I am unusable. So I sit here waiting for a black sheet of paper to give me purpose. But I fear the world has run out of black paper. Do you have a plan for me?

I'm so nervous now. That uneasy feeling in my stomach is back... If I do anything wrong, say anything off cue, then everything will begin to unravel. I feel like it's my job to hold everything together, to be strong, to have the backbone for everyone else... but all this weight is killing me... I think my bones are breaking.

I'm so used to being the one who has it all together, that I can't even fall apart in front of you... I fell apart alone last night... and they told me you were there waiting for me to turn to you... but I couldn't find you. My vision was blurred by the tears, I guess. Or maybe my heart was too afraid for you to meet me in that place.

I don't understand how I can want you and need you and still not let you see me so vulnerable. I'm afraid if you see me fall apart, you, too, will see me as inadequate, uanble to fullfill any expectations you may have of me. Or maybe my fear is that you'll still want to use me, and I can't comprehend why you would use someone so broken... I'm fearing what I don't even know to be certain.

I feel like I'm failing you, and I wonder if I'll ever get it right. I want to run so far right now, but I refuse to run again... Give me the strength to stay and deal with this now...