The Divide

We said forever as though we could understand its limits. And we said always as if we held eternity. But we didn't even believe in eternity or the ability to live unbound by laws of time or space. Foolish promises made in haste for temporary relief in brokenness. Selfish expectations thrown up into the air, and we believed we'd catch them all before even one could shatter. A juggling act ended with broken glass and bleeding hearts. Splintered souls so tattered as we walked away, our life in pieces. Alone and desperate, darkness consumed and we went our separate ways to get better.

You went left and I went right, both of us into the night. Searching for answers and reasons why, you looked in the mirror; I looked towards the sky. You found your reflection, and I found the Light.

So now you stand in the mirror, armed with everything that guarantees to do the trick, to fix your mess and make you better. You try each elixir, every antidote and remedy, but every time that you look up, it's your reflection that you see: its brokenness, its pain persists, just masked by all that's sure to fix and never does. You stare within your own dark eyes, promising the next dose will be the last; then one hard swallow later, you're still staring back into the glass at your dim eyes and faded smile, another cycle, another mile around this same old town that you never did call home.

And while you're busy staring into a glass which just distorts your image, I find the Light that gives your glass its ability to reflect. And in that Light I find the Truth; in purest form, with pure intentions, wanting nothing in return but for me to start to learn to see myself the way He does. With outstretched arms He sacrificed all He had so that I might gaze into the beauty of Love that must endure. Within the Light, my walls and weapons fall, I do not need them after all. My only chore is to surrender and allow this Light to have its way. Your reflection is deceiving while my Light is penetrating every part of all I am and it is changing me to reflect perfectly all He is. 

Your ointments and your products tell you everything that's wrong, and you fight with all you have to belong and hear approval. Changing all you are and dying more each day. Trying to achieve the goals you don't set anyway. Slowly you're becoming just another memory of one who thought the way to live was in self-dependency.

But I am made into glass now. Fragile and transparent, willing to be broken. And His Light makes me a mirror reflecting His image. His grace and mercy, His love and faithfulness. An undistorted view of reality. Surpassing time and space and touching eternity finally. As I become nothing and He becomes everything... I am on the other side of better.

Will I see you on the other side of better?

Learning Lessons

Hello again.
I know it's been forever since my last post. I'm sorry. Life happened. But that snapshot of life came with a few great lessons, so here we go...

Lesson one:

So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7 NKJV)

When you ask God for opportunities, He's going to give them to you. When some of my favorite people left early this month to serve in Guatemala, I wanted to go with them so badly but couldn't. So I told God I wanted to serve people here at home. My first thought was to serve those in some of the poorer areas of the community. I found a youth house in the area and emailed them asking if they needed volunteers- they never replied. But then my grandmother called me and asked me to clean some things for her and I said okay (reluctantly). And then my mom and sister came into town and my twin had surgery. I was asked to stay at the hospital overnight with her and I said okay (begrudgingly). And then my mom got really sick and needed to go to the hospital, and I had to bring her even though a friend was in town visiting me. And I said okay (but sighed at the thought of sitting in the emergency room for hours on end). Then my grandfather had some tests done, and I had to wake up out of a sound sleep to pick him up from the doctor. I said okay (and pouted the whole way there.)

It suddenly occurred to me that these were the opportunities God was giving me to serve others. He was asking me to be Jesus to people who I always seem to forget needs Him as much as the people in Guatemala or the Ninth Ward. I felt so ashamed at this, especially when I considered my last post almost a month ago. God is not going to ask me to be faithful in big things until I learn to be faithful in little things. He will not give me the opportunity to serve in big ways until I learn to serve in small ways with a joyful heart. The Lord loves a cheerful giver and he who doesn't love is but a clashing cymbal. I can spend all my time, money, and energy doing things for people, but until I do it with an attitude of love and joy, it will mean nothing, and I will only make those around me and myself miserable. I thank God for revealing this to me on a deeper level and I pray for the wisdom to recognize the attitude of my heart before I serve someone, and if my heart is not cheerful about it, I pray God will give me His joy and cheerfulness to love others like He does.

Lesson 2:

Another lesson on pride. Maybe I'm the only person in the world with this problem, but I doubt it. I have a very difficult time admitting when I've made a mistake. I was taught to say "I'm sorry; I was wrong" at a very young age; my mom taught me manners. However, as I grew up I began to hear from time to time, "sorry doesn't cut it" and so my apologies became fewer. As I got even older, pride let me forget the importance of these words. Is it just me, or is it that in our society admitting wrong is seen as a weakness? Why do we feel the need to justify our actions with lame excuses instead of admitting we are wrong and seeking forgiveness? It takes so much more energy to come up with the excuses we use. Why can't we just simply admit our faults and try better next time? It would certainly save us a headache. Furthermore, when we seek forgiveness instead of finding excuses, God has the opportunity to move in our lives.

In my most recent history class we often discussed the "what if?" factor. I think about the story of Cain and Abel. When Cain killed Abel and God asks him where his brother was, Cain replied, "Am I my brother's keeper?" God then punished Cain so severely that Cain said he "could not bear it."

I think God knew where Abel was. He's God. So why did He ask Cain? I think He was giving Cain the opportunity to confess and repent of his sin. God didn't need Cain to tell Him where Abel was, He was only giving Cain the chance to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

So here's the what if: What if Cain had responded differently to God's question? What if he had admitted that he murdered his brother, fallen on his knees and cried out for mercy? I'm sure punishment would have ensued, but surely not so severe a punishment as he did receive.

I think many of us have this problem. We do something wrong and cover it up because if we admit our guilt, there will be a consequence. And then when God asks us what we've done we have all these excuses of why we had to do what we did. Then before we know it, our consequences become twice as bad as what they could have been.

For instance, I quit a job that I really loved in a very unprofessional way back in October. I had a very complicated list of reasons and EXCUSES for quitting, when the truth was: I had made a mistake. I ended up unemployed for 5 months and never apologized, then I ended up finding a job I was miserable at and I've worked there for the last 3 months. For 8 months I have put off saying I'm sorry and had to borrow money from family and worry about paying bills. Those were my consequences.

Finally today I said I was sorry, and the owner is willing to rehire me. What if I had said sorry sooner? I wouldn't owe family members money, I would have some form of savings, and I would be much better off. Now that I've apologized though, God is able to provide me with a wonderful job for the rest of college. See my point: God can move if we repent.

Lesson 3:

And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NKJV)

Watch your mouth, fool!

My mom picked my sisters' and my names for very specific reasons. She is a very Godly woman and wanted each of her children to have a biblical name. My sisters' middle names are Celesta and Noel. Celesta comes from the Gaelic word for star, more specifically, the star the wise men followed to find the Christ Child. Noel means Christmas in French. My name Gabrielle comes from the archangel Gabriel, the messenger of God. It also means God is my light or God is my strength. I believe God chose my name as much as my mom did because those three things practically sum up my life.

My mom called me Gabbie before I could speak, and ironically enough, I am the talkative one of my sisters. We used to walk into Walmart, and I was the three year old who introduced the whole family to the greeter at the door. I was also the one who used to share dreams with my mom and she knew they had to be from God. I was His messenger before I realized what that even meant. But I was also the child with the darkest teenage years, and it was then that my name stood as a reminder that God is my light. And there were times I had to really fight to survive because of the messes I created, and it was then that my name reminded me that God is my strength to keep pushing forward.

But back to being His messenger:
The words we speak have power. We are all His messengers. Every time we open our mouth we have the power to create or destroy. We chose the direction. However, I think there comes a time in our walk with Christ that we must choose ultimately whether we will gain control over our tongue or not. I think I'm at that point. Last night I was with some of my favorite people and one of them decided to be a backseat driver. Before I even realized it, the words shot out of my mouth, "shut up!" The entire atmosphere in the car changed and it was because of me and my stupid mouth. I had hurt a really good friend's feelings and gave the night a sour note.

Before I became a Christian I had such a foul mouth. I cursed constantly and told dirty jokes. I didn't think twice about it. But when I gave my heart to Christ, I began letting these things go. I don't curse nearly as much now as I used to. But now I am realizing how much more work is left for God and I to do with this tongue of mine. It doesn't stop with cursing and dirty jokes. It goes deeper. Speaking life is so vital in the Christian walk. Speaking positively and lovingly to others is so important. The Bible says that non-Christians will know our faith in the way we love other Christians. Luckily, there weren't any nonbelievers in the car last night, but what if there had been? My unloving remark to my brother in Christ would have raised an eyebrow, I'm sure. How can I expect nonbelievers to know the love of Christ if I don't make it a point to love others in every word and deed? I don't want this to ever happen again. I pray for God to give me the wisdom to think before I speak now and I pray He gives me more opportunities to love others with my words.




Well, these are just some of the things that God has been showing me this summer. I hope to write again soon (sooner than 2 weeks).

God bless you.

Thank God, I ain't got it!

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it springs the issues of life. --Proverbs 4:23

...For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. --Matthew 12:34

I remember sitting there in those rows of chairs meant to look like pews. My notebook placed in my lap, scribbling down everything the pastor said and being sure I didn't miss a thing. I remember standing there, arms lifted to heaven. I remember being in the front, jumping above the crowd to the beat of the drums. And I remember thinking- Yeah-- I got it. I am not the scum I was. I am not the mess I go to school with. I got it. And with it, I'm going places.

And that's what got me going nowhere fast.

I was the church girl everyone expected great things from. On the outside, I said all the right words, did all the right things, gave to the right causes... I was the ideal Christian. And I let myself believe that as long as that was so, I would never falter. I never thought I'd end up in the mess I did. My heart was wicked and prideful and I was too arrogant and too ashamed to face the truth.

The truth was that I had a big problem with pride. I took pride in what I could do. I took pride in what I could give. I took pride in the applause my leaders gave to me. I took pride in my own strength. And then I took pride in my sin. 

Let's get one thing straight- no one wakes up one day and decides to let pride ruin his life. No one flips over and all of a sudden becomes horribly wicked and engulfed in sin. Just like being a Christian (the intentional kind) is about following a process, so too is becoming an enemy of the Cross. It is a subtle process that starts with something so small and grows into a cataclysmic catastrophe. With God's grace and our diligence, we can avoid the catastrophe and deal with it in its infancy. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't hear the baby screaming in the background- I was too busy singing louder than the rest.

Jesus told us a parable of this very problem in Luke 18.
He tells of a Pharisee and a tax collector who go to the temple to pray. The Pharisee stands and prays to God, thanking Him that he is "not like these other terrible people." The tax collector won't even dare to lift his head and begs for God to have mercy on him.. The tax collector- not the Pharisee- was justified before God.

Now, we know I was a church-going, Bible-beating, Christian. I heard this parable eight million times and I knew its message clearly. But I never took the time to reflect on my own life- my actions, my words, my thoughts- to realize that I was that horrid Pharisee.

I think of Paul and how he rejoiced in his weakness- he knew it was the only way that God's strength could be made manifest in his life. He knew the only way that God could do anything is if he became absolutely nothing.

I yearn for the faith it takes to live a life just like that! Like Paul who said, "I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith."

My process with pride began so subtly that I can't even put my finger on its starting point. Perhaps it started when I was asked to intern with the youth pastors, maybe it started when I began working in the nursery, or maybe it started when I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a room of girls on our youth conference. Whatever it was, it was subtle enough that I was blind to it. But I know if I had looked at that story in Luke 18 and meditated on its meaning and asked myself- who am I? I probably would have been able to address the issue of pride in my life a whole lot sooner.

I can't go back now and erase the mistakes my pride caused me to make. I can only become intentional about being humble. The truth is- I ain't Got It! There is so much in my life that I mess up on every single day. I am nothing compared to the glory of Christ and apart from Him I really cannot do anything at all. Apart from God, I can do nothing. It is only by abiding in His love, that I can have His grace and His strength to do anything. It is with Him only that I can dream, that I can help, that I can heal. I cannot do it on my own- I tried already (many times) and failed (over and over and over...etc.).

Check yourself today-
In America, pride is such a good thing. The more you have, the higher up you are on the chain of command, the more you can give, the more "successful" you are--- it all makes you a "better" person. A person to be esteemed and respected. But God didn't go to them. When Jesus was here, he ate with tax collectors and prostitutes.

Todd Agnew has a song called "My Jesus." My favorite verse in the song is: 

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

 I wonder who Jesus would spend His time with if He was on earth right now. I wonder who He would choose to be His twelve best friends. A year ago, I believed I lived a life that would make me worthy of that position. Now... I know for a fact if He had come to earth I would have more than likely been told: Depart from Me, I knew you not.

I don't want to make those mistakes again. I refuse to let pride take root in my life and separate me from the awesome power of God. I ain't got it. I am sinful and dirty and I make mistakes. I will never get it completely until I go home. Only then will God transform me into the perfect image of Christ. Until then, I must do all I can to live in a diligent pursuit of the holiness of Christ. No, I will never get it completely- but that means I will never be bored; there will always be one more thing to work out and work on.

Thank God, I ain't got it! Thank God I don't have to get it! God gives grace to the humble and He loves those who love Him and seek after Him. I pray to God that I never again let a self-righteous spirit convince me that I've already won this fight. As long as I'm still on this earth, as long as there are still souls to win, as long as there is still secular things battling for my time and energy- I won't have it. And that's okay. I'll just keep running for it.

Yes, Lord

Someone asked me today in an incredulous tone- "Do you really want to let God tell you who to love; how to live your life?"

It surprised me how quickly my reply came: Absolutely, YES!!

This isn't about me though, guys. This is about a power working inside of me that I didn't have before. The power of God. His Holy Spirit. It's beginning to change me. Three weeks ago I would have second guessed that answer. I would have wondered if I was making a mistake. I would fear that the one asking me would pass judgment on me.


It amazes me how prideful and arrogant I was at the start of this year (not that I am cured yet; but there is progress). One good friend described me in January as, "unwilling to listen to anything anyone else had to say." I thought I knew everything. I had every answer. I knew what I would do the next minute, the next day, the next year. 

Now God reminds me that I am but a vapor. A mist. I am here one day and the next day gone. God reminds me that His ways are so much higher than mine; His thoughts are above me. His ways are above mine. I cannot measure the depths of His understanding, nor can I understand His will. I can only say, "Yes, Lord."

I have said yes to so many things before; things that have harmed me, things that were not of God. Those things brought me to the place I found myself at on the night of February 10th. Those things had me bound tightly in chains I couldn't see. They had control of me.

But God has saved me from all of that. When I said, "Yes, Lord," the chains fell off. They were shattered and broken to pieces and I was able to enter into the wonderful freedom of Christ. I am no longer a slave to sin, but a daughter of the King. I am no longer condemned, but forgiven. Things that once had control over me: hatred, unforgiveness, doubt, fear, depression, anxiety, anger... those things became obsolete the moment I said, "Yes, Lord." How beautiful is that?

But saying yes did not end there. It continues today; everyday. I must say "yes" to Him everyday while denying myself. Joyce Meyer makes a good point about this; she says: people think it sounds so holy when you talk about denying yourself like Paul talked about. "I denied myself!" and everyone wants to applaud...

But what does that really mean? To deny oneself and accept God's will over one's own?? 

Jesus said, "He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me." 

I think about what that really means. I think of Jesus in the garden, sweating blood as He begs his Dad not to let Him die. I think about Him standing before Pontius Pilate as His fellow Jews choose a murderer to be released instead of Him. I think about the crowds of people that followed Him during His ministry- did He ever turn any of them away because He was tired or worn out? And finally I picture His cross, the nails in His hands... It wasn't comfortable to deny Himself. It wasn't easy to say "Yes, Lord." But He did it because He saw the bigger picture. He saw His Father's children in heaven for eternity. He saw others healed in His name. He saw me. He saw you.


If I do not deny myself, I am not worthy of the life God has to offer me.

There have been so many times that I have stood before God in prayer and said, "God, I am not worthy... I am dirty. I am filthy rags and ashes..." And it's true- we are very filthy in the presence of God's holiness. But Christ died that we may be cleansed; that we may approach His throne in confidence. "Come now, let us reason together. Though your sins are like scarlet, I shall make them white as snow." 


God asks us to deny ourselves so that we may be able to clothe ourselves in the worthiness that Christ earned on the cross for us. No, we will never be worthy in our own strength- just like we will never be holy or perfect or humble. But because of Jesus' sacrifice, we can clothe ourselves in His holiness, His righteousness, His humbleness, and His worthiness. And in His worthiness, we can lay hold of a destiny beyond our wildest dreams.  But we must say "Yes, Lord."


It's easy to say "yes" to things that sound exciting. If God said you were going to write a best seller for Him or reach the lost in far away places like Mozambique or the Andes, it would be easy to jump up and down and agree whole heartedly. But God never starts there. 

He never starts by asking us to go to Africa. He asks us to obey our parents. He doesn't start by asking us to raise the dead. He asks us to give up our facebook account or cell phone. He starts by asking us to give up our boyfriend or girlfriend. He asks us to give up talking back and arguing. He asks us to stop drinking or stop looking at those pictures. 


He who is faithful with a little can be trusted with much.

It isn't until we are faithful and say "yes"  with the little things like having quiet time everyday, giving to someone in need without gloating about it, listening for once instead of sharing your life story all the time, that God begins to ask us to say "yes" to the things we find more exciting. It comes through sacrifice. The more we die to ourselves, the more God is able to trust us with His will.


I can confess that I am not there yet. I am still saying "yes" to the little things like quiet times and resisting temptations, and a lot of times I say "no" and have to go back and ask for God to forgive me... But I am learning. Saying "yes" today was a step for me. This is all a process. But I know that as I continue to say "yes" to things like that, God will begin giving me more to say "yes" to.

I am still trying to figure out my purpose and the will God has for me. I may be a missionary, a writer, a teacher, or a housewife... I don't know. But I know that as I continue to say "yes" to God and "no" to myself, He will continue revealing His perfect plan to me. I know these small steps are going to take me into a great destiny. If I practice being faithful now, there is nothing God can't accomplish through me later. I have decided to keep saying "Yes, Lord." No matter what.

I have lived life without those two words. I lived life saying "yes" to myself all the time and it only got me lost. I know that when I am in control of my life, everything spins out of control. So instead I say, "Yes, Lord, thy will be done."

Christ, My Constant

If we are faithless,
He remains faithful; 

He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:13  

This is my first blog post, and I feel like I should start by explaining what I want to do here. I chose to title my blog "Constant" because it is exactly what I have been searching for all of my life and have only just discovered. 

When I graduated from high school, I was the epitome of everything religious. I had been faithfully attending and serving at a local church and was considered a leader amongst the youth. I worked in children's ministry. I "loved" God. I planned to attend a discipleship program in place of college just to prove this point. However, as summer began and the reality struck me that I was officially part of the "real world," I saw my friends preparing for college, I saw my past with its multiple highs and lows (I had plenty of those roller coaster rides!) and I began to question my identity and everything I believed I was. With that, I ran from God. I ran from home. I ran from family. And I ran into the arms of someone with selfish intentions. I ran from every "constant" in my life with the excuse that I no longer wanted to be tied down by rules. 

In the months that followed, I learned that running from God is equal to running towards sin. Even when that is not the goal or the intention, that is what happens. You can't do away with both. You love one and hate the other, or you hate the one and love the other. 

I moved a hundred and twenty miles away to live with my grandparents at the end of July. Their only demand was that I must go to college. So I applied for the spring semester at the University of New Orleans and decided to major in history. As I waited for the semester to start, I worked full time and continued to date a girl on the other side of the Atlantic. My ups and downs persisted and took such a toll on me that I broke up with her. Part of me knew I was running from God and I wanted to run back to Him, but the other part of me had grown comfortable in my running and didn't want to admit I was wrong. 

The break up left me so depressed and empty. I spent two weeks back home with my mom and sisters for my own safety. I feared I would attempt suicide. I almost flew across the world to fix things with my ex-girlfriend. I cut myself. I cried. And I finally just took the advice of my family and went to see my best friend in Switzerland. I needed my best friend more than anything at that time and I figured 2 weeks of a changed scenery would give me a new perspective on life.

While I was in Switzerland I had a lot of time to think about everything going on in my life. I thought about everything that happened in the summer. I thought about what I wanted in life. I thought about what I believed. And I had time to think about my future. I got totally wasted and cried to near-strangers. I learned to speak some Swiss-German. I saw the beautiful Alps and Uetliberg. I tasted new food. And I saw that there was so much more to life that I didn't even realize. I came home and realized I needed to let go of the past and start moving forward.
 

I felt like it was time to start over so I decided to see new people and try new things out. I started practicing Wicca and reading about Buddhism. I went out with a couple of girls; I got a new girlfriend. I convinced myself that I was moving on and living my life the way destiny had intended. But I was still empty inside. 

My new girlfriend was emotionally abusive and controlling. She demanded my constant attention, she visited me on weekends from North Louisiana to whisk me off to some secluded hotel and treat me to "presents" so I would stay with her. All the while, she was pulling me away from my friends and family. She told me everything I had to "fix" with myself. She pushed me to the brink of insanity. Her constant insults and attacks on my character made me anorexic, suicidal, paranoid and depressed. I relapsed with my cutting. I was in the gym twice a day and eating less than 800 calories a day. I was always looking over my shoulder waiting for her to be angry again for something I didn't do. It was terrible. It was so terrible that it took my new friends two patient months of loving me through it for me to see how messed up I really was.

To be fair, I do not blame this girl for the pain I inflicted on  myself while we were together. She didn't do it intentionally, but as a result of her own feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. I forgive her completely and I pray she comes to know the beautiful change and freedom that is offered in Christ like I have. It was clear that a relationship with her was not healthy, so after three months of fighting and trying to make it work, I cut all ties with her at the end of March.

To explain the rest of my story, I must back up. to January. At my school orientation, I met a student named Austin. She was a member of the Christian fellowship group on campus known as Chi Alpha. She was working at the table that was set up for new students to get information about clubs and things on campus. There were skittles on the table.. so I walked over to talk to her so that I could have free candy. (I am really that lame!)
 

As we started talking, I realized how scared I was to be starting UNO without any friends. I signed up to get more information from Chi Alpha because I figured I could at least have someone to hang out with while I looked for non-Christian friends. I knew Christians would not approve of my being gay and I knew they would judge me for my past. But I also knew it was part of their "religion" to be nice to people... so I could use them until I found people better suited to hang out with.

A few days later, Austin text messaged me about a game day on campus the day before school started. I wasn't going to go because my girlfriend came into town to spend time with me. But she decided to go home early, so I was able to go without her permission. I was hoping to meet more friends so that I would have people to eat lunch with when school started that week. 

That day, I met a lot of really awesome people. They were really fun, they loved each other a lot, and they weren't like the Christians I had known previously. The whole day I was with them, they didn't ask me what I believed once and they didn't pull "the Bible says" quotes on me at all. I figured my plan would work- they were tolerable- I could use them until I found "real" friends. I ended up going to a bonfire with them that night and by the time I started school, I knew several people.

However, that didn't stop me from searching for friends who would let me be Wiccan and gay and not judge me. I found a second circle of friends to hang out with. But they pressured me to start drinking and partying. I started getting wasted on the weekends. I crammed for classes Monday-Thursday so I could keep my grades up and then partied Friday-Sunday. I was losing myself. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted... nothing. I was so lost.

Some of the Chi Alpha students started eating with me and my friends in the cafeteria. One Tuesday they invited me to go to something called "The Gathering." They said there would be students from 3 other universities there and also free food. I couldn't pass it up. What it actually was though was a worship service. It was a church service for college kids. I didn't really care. I sat there next to my atheist friend, Bailli and didn't think twice about worshiping. 

Then the tears came. i don't know where they came from, but I was broken. I ended up in the back of the room, on my knees, crying louder than the music and yelling at God for all the crap I was going through. I blamed him for the messed up relationships in my life, I blamed him for the death of loved ones, I blamed him for the abuse I endured as I child. I blamed him for my mess. I looked ridiculous.

One of the guys in Chi Alpha saw me crying and went over to his girlfriend, Elena, to have her come and talk to me. Elena and I had met at the sports day, but we hadn't really talked much since then. She sat next to me, asked what was wrong, and I began to tell her how angry I was at God. She was the first Christian who didn't tell me I was wrong for being mad. She let me be angry. But she also challenged me. She asked me to give God one semester of my life to change me. I am very prideful. I never back down from a challenge. I told her okay, but I did not expect anything to happen at all. I figured I'd give God one half-hearted semester and then go right back to hating him.

A month later, I was supposed to go with one of my non-Christian friends to get a new tattoo. We had gone on two dates when we met and quickly realized we're better off as friends. On the way to her dorm to get her keys to leave, she got a call from the Unity group we knew (the gay club on campus). They were having a party across the street and we were all invited. I wasn't allowed to go though because I was still under the control of my girlfriend. So I said goodbye to my friend and took a ten minute walk across campus to get to my car and go home. That ten minute walk was the longest walk of my life. I was thinking about my life: The challenge Elena had given me, the emptiness I felt, the selfishness I had begun to possess, the fear and anxiety I lived in...

I got into my car, turned on the radio, and ironically enough, I listened to a 6-year-old little girl telling a story about how she gave Jesus her heart and no longer felt empty. Usually, this would have made me smile maybe. It would have made me think, "Awe, how cute!" But no... I turned the radio off in disgust, I peeled out of the school parking lot, and I drove down the road in front of the lake in the dark. 

I was so angry. I wanted to cut myself till I bled to death. I screamed. I cried. I was in convulsions. I couldn't even drive home because my vision blurred and I thought I would wreck my car. I pulled over and sobbed. It wasn't pretty... Everything I had built up inside me for years suddenly came pouring out all at once. I was a mess.

I grabbed my phone- my girlfriend was sending me her never-ending text messages complaining about her ex's, unfair teachers, and stupid boss. I couldn't deal with her. I told her I was crying. She asked why and my answer was  that "I missed God." She was angry at me for this, jealous that I would prefer a "god" over her; she was an atheist. While she threatened to break up with me and made me feel stupid and guilty, I text messaged Elena. 

I told myself that if she replied, I would go back to school and talk with her; if she didn't, I would go home and end it all. She replied. So I drove the ten minutes back to school, parked by the dorms, and met her in the freezing cold. It was February 10th... we walked all over campus for an hour and I told her everything about everything. I cried so much... she didn't judge me. She didn't push me. She just listened. Then she asked to pray with me and I let her. I felt God talking to me that night. He said if I didn't give him my heart that night, I never would get the chance again to change. 

I told Elena I needed to pray for Christ to come into my heart- Just like that 6 year old on the radio. I knew this was my time. She led me in a prayer of salvation and I felt sick to my stomach. She insisted that meant I needed "deliverance," but that word scared me so I told her no. I went home that night sick to my stomach and not knowing what was going to happen next. But I was saved- I had become an actual Christian. I realized that previously I didn't love God and I didn't know him. What I really loved was the applause every pastor gave me as I jumped the highest and sang the loudest in worship. I loved being thanked for my service. I loved being looked up to by other kids. I was full of pride.  

After that night, I started spending more time with Chi Alpha. I started meeting with the campus pastor- Christine- once a week and we talked about my life and what I believed. We discussed tough questions. We talked about theology and morality. We talked about life and the kinds of crap that happens. She helped me see things in a new perspective. A lot of times we fought though-- we argued about whether being gay is a sin. We argued about the church and whether it's doing what it's supposed to or not. We argued about holy codes of certain cultures--- I finally found a pastor willing to talk about the hard stuff and it challenged me! 

I started going to a Bible study every Monday night where I talked with other students about the tough stuff. It was all a process. But that process brought me very very close to the Chi Alpha students. They accepted me gay or straight, Christian or atheist, party-goer or dedicated student, happy or angry, depressed or excited. They spent two months loving me with grace and patience as I battled with everything going on inside of me. Eventually I began to want God in my life. I began to dream again. Cutting ties with my ex made this so much more easier. I started eating again. I began growing in faith. I was growing.

I was invited to a spiritual warfare class at the end of April. At the end of the class, prayer was offered to anyone who needed it. Remember that sickening feeling in my stomach when I prayed with Elena? It was back. I remembered what she had said about deliverance and I felt God telling me it's what I needed. So Elena and Christine along with the pastor who taught the class helped me get delivered. It sounds creepier than it really is... Basically, the three of them prayed with me as I began to break ties with all the ungodly things in my life- unforgiveness, depression, hatred, fear, etc. All of the things I had been battling were dealt with. I cried just like the night of February 10th and God just began to take these things from me. It was a big step. It was powerful. It was life changing. I'm not perfect now- but I am no longer hindered.

Elena became my best friend and Christine became my pastor and mentor. I found a family at UNO. My other circle of friends began to judge me and criticize me for my Christianity. When I decided to get baptized at the end of the semester, they joked that I should be baptized in vodka. They did not support me, they did not love me. I was only their source of entertainment. I could no longer call them "friends." I had found people who genuinely wanted what's best for me and realized that my other circle of "friends" were not concerned with my welfare- just their laughter. It hurt to see that, but it was necessary to accept.

 On May 1st, we had La Zona- it was just like "The Gathering" except just for UNO students... We had worship and Christine talked about what we'd be taking home with us as we go on summer break. We then walked to my friend's apartment. We went to the pool, and I openly and publicly declared my faith in Christ. I was baptized- full submersion- in front of all of my new brothers and sisters. As my whole body was under water, my old life died away and when I came back to the surface- I was reborn in a spiritual sense. The Bible talked about dying like Christ to live a life devoted to him. That's what I did that night- I decided Christ was the only thing in my life that would never leave me, forsake me, judge me, expect more from me than I could give; he would never hurt me, he would never pressure me to perform... Christ was the only person who knew everything about me and still loved me enough to die for me. He is my Constant. It was a revelation I hadn't had before--- Christ had been my constant all along. He had been what I needed to fill the empty void. 

This semester, God changed my life.

Which now brings me to the purpose of this blog. Christine asked us what we would take home with us this summer. This summer, I plan to take home my new commitment and grow in it. God placed it on my heart to use this blog as a continuation of my public declaration of the change he has made in my life. I do not plan to preach- I just want to share my heart. I want to share what I am learning. I want to continue asking tough questions and I want to find some answers to those tough questions. God has given me the gift of writing. I plan to use that gift to honor him this summer since I have the extra time to commit to this blog.

God is so faithful. I opened with a verse in 2 Timothy and haven't really gone back to it yet. So let me do that now- God is faithful. Even while I was running from him, he put people in my life to guide me back to him. Even when I wanted nothing to do with him, he used people like Elena and Christine to reach me with his love. I was so rebellious and prideful, but he still cared about me and chased me down. I was so broken, and yet he still tried time and again to make me whole. He took my sin and made me clean. He took my religiosity and gave me faith. He took away my anger and hatred and is now teaching me to love again. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. There are so many promises God has given me. There is a future he is calling me to walk in. There are people he wants me to reach. Out of my filth and arrogance he called me His. He was faithful while I was faithless. Now I have determined in my heart to remain faithful to his call, to abide in his love, and to do all that he commands me.

This summer, I invite you to join me on this journey!