Redemption

Your sweet redemption is flooding my heart, inviting me back into the passions I've been stifling. You are reminding me of how faithful you are. I thought when I said yes to you ten months ago, that the door was slammed on my past and nothing from before you would matter in the slightest. I convinced myself that my past was erased entirely and non-existent. And while it's easier to believe that and just move forward, I realize it would be against your character not to give my past meaning.

And to do that, you must extract intricate pieces out of yesterday and make them good today; because you work all things for good to those who love you and who are called according to your purpose.

I thought my love for Africa was gone forever. I thought I could never serve you in ministry because I had blown it so badly before. I thought my failures in the past would determine my future. But you're reminding me that it has nothing to do with me at all.

"My word does not return void, Gabby."
I foolishly convinced myself that everything spoken over my life meant nothing because my heart was not yours.

"You may not have been mine yet, but I was still God then. And I'm still God now."

I am being given freedom to believe in the power of Your word. You said to ask for the nations and I did. But before I asked out of greed and pride. Now I ask in fear and trembling- brokenness- as I accept that I can do nothing.

It's been prophesied that I would have a 7-fold ministry, that I would be a "voice to the nations," that I would go to Africa and that hundreds of thousands would come to know you because of my testimony. You gave me a vision- you said "go" and I asked "where" until you showed me that small African hut and my heart heard you whisper Sudan.

All of that, and I still didn't call you Lord.
But that's the beauty of it. It has nothing to do with me at all.

It amazes me on one hand how you would still use me after the mistakes I've made. After all of the backsliding, all of the guilt, all of the lies and all of the decisions I could have made differently... You still look at me and say I can play a part in this redemptive story. But on the other hand, I realize this is just like you and I'm not surprised. The same way you used Peter and Paul, you are able to use me. You have always been in the business of taking what everyone has casted out and giving it purpose.

You are taking the foolish to confound the wise. You are calling the outcasts to bring a revolution. You are asking those who've hurt so many to be a vessel of hope and healing. I love your contradictions.

I'm humbled that you still see purpose where I see pointless.

I'm amazed that you still never call the able, but decide to enable the called.