Partial Thoughts

Fragmented phrases have become me. I know what I want to say, but I cannot decide how to express it. I feel myself reaching, straining to find the most appropriate word, but in my groping, I grasp only wind and I feel myself losing control. I am sinking. But I said I wouldn’t sink again. I’d like to believe this is progress, and I’d like to believe that somehow things are getting better. But when I look in the mirror I see the same dim reflection of someone who might have been alive once. Who am I becoming? Have I painted on the mask required to fit a certain role? Or am I becoming someone more beautiful? No. I feel myself becoming like a chameleon, throwing on the right colors to belong, and changing with the scenery. What color will I wear tomorrow?

My thoughts are incomplete. Words enter my mind in code, as though I’m catching only glimpses of a frequency. I can’t hear the whole story, and so I feel as though there’s something missing- missing in me, missing in my life, missing in my relationships. Why am I so careless? Why do I put myself in conversations that don’t produce life? Why do I spend time worrying about things that don’t matter at all?

Real as Morning

In the glowing dust of dawn I see you. As the city slowly wakes to taste another bitter day, in the glistening morning dew drops on my window, you smile at me. I feel a stirring, a longing to embrace you. Barefoot, I gently glide across the grass, the tiny blades of life tickle me, and catch my feet with tender mercy, their soft crisp crunch beneath me sing a song of sweet forgiveness. Your voice comes to me in the breeze. As you flow effortlessly through the branches and archways, I long to give you an answer, to acknowledge your ever growing presence- growing like the swelling sun before me. I feel your gentle nudge on my shoulder from the wind: "come speak to me." My voice starts in an unsure whisper, but soon fades to nothing because I am afraid. I am afraid if we don't have enough time, the time we do have won't matter. I'm afraid if you begin something, this day's distractions will make your impact obsolete. Have I forgotten your greatness?

What if I let you change me? What if I stepped away from this crippling fear that torments me with words like "worthless" and I let you move me to a place of boldness? Could you really use me to move mountains? is there really a chance that the life I'm living now pales in comparison to the life you have for me? Perhaps. But this faith in me gives way to fear and I feel myself slipping again.

Come to me, faithful one, because I don't have the strength to come after you. I feel so boxed in, claustrophobic, like I can't climb over these walls surrounding me. Take over my life. I need you to be as real as morning is to me.  Fill up my heart with your words and overwhelm me with your beauty and strength. Help me see that fear is a lie. Help me claim the truth of boldness. Give me your spirit. Give me the faith and boldness to step out and stand up for something greater, something more. Help me believe what my eyes haven't seen yet.

Tug O' War

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like there's a wall separating me from them. And it seems so crazy because I know they care about me. I know they love me. But I'm afraid that since I'm no longer a priority, that I've become nothing somehow. I don't know how to just be present. I don't think I want to be present. I want to run away. I want to hide out. I want to blame my busy schedule for being absent... But I know if I do that, it won't be long until they're all concerned. I don't want to be a cause for concern. I don't want to be a burden. But I don't want to be around them either.

I don't know why I want to be alone. But I don't want to be at every meeting. I don't want to be at every prayer group. I don't want to sit with them at lunch and I don't want to talk to them between classes. I don't want to text message them and I don't want to reply to their messages. I want to be by myself... I want time to think and consider. I want to find out if everything I believe about you is because of them or if it's really because of you. I want to know that if I don't have them, that I can still have all of you. I want to know that when I'm alone, that I'm not lonely.

I don't want to depend on them to find you. I don't want to need them. I want to enjoy them. I don't want to find my identity in them. I want to find my identity in you only. I'm afraid I haven't quite figured out where they end and you begin for me. I don't think I've discovered yet what it means to live for you and to be with you and to want you. I feel like I'm playing the same old games and I don't want to lose anymore. I don't want to climb a ladder of acceptance; I want to rest in you.

I believe a separation is necessary for me to discover for myself who it is that you are to me and what it is you're asking me to be for you. I believe a moment without them, without the schedule, without the expectations is exactly what I need to figure out if I've really found you or just another image.

I am beginning to see how human they really are, and I'm beginning to feel the pain in that. I'm beginning to see that I can't put my faith in them. That is a lesson you've been trying to teach me for years, and I'm still only barely grasping... How can I love people well without allowing them to mean so much to me? How can I love at all if I don't really know love? Do I know love? Have I really encountered you yet? Because I thought if I did, I would be changed forever, and still I struggle with the same old things; still I find myself in the same traps I always seem to fall into.

What if I'm just repeating my usual religious rites? What if I'm just following the same circle of confusion? I don't want to go back. I just want to pause and redefine what I have with you. I need to figure out where all of this is going and what it all means before I end up letting them take the place of everything you're supposed to be for me.

Behind The Scenes

I'm beginning to see that you are wind to me. Strong, fierce, and changing. And yet still gentle and sweet. You are ungraspable, and yet all around me. I'm beginning to see you differently. I'm realizing that part of being in control is having the freedom to let you be in control. I'm learning that my fears are usually irrational. I'm seeing for the first time that my relationship with you is only with you, and I don't need anyone else to aid in that relationship. Where I don't measure up, you become more than enough. And no other person can replace all that you are to me.

And it hurts sometimes- all the time lately. Because I realize it's not about proving myself, and it's not about pleasing others- all the things I'm so great at. This is something so different. It's about being in love with you. And I haven't ever been good at that. And that scares me because if I have to love fully and love well, then I might get hurt- I will get hurt. And for so long, I've done everything possible to ensure that pain was avoided at all costs. Now I'm seeing that without pain, love cannot persist. Because love matters most when it's healing pain.

I am seeing how imperfect I am. I am seeing how much I complain, how much I fight, how much I feel like I have to be right all of the time. I am seeing how it causes divisions with the people I claim matter so much to me. And I'm wondering if they really matter to me at all. I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I am dramatic and it's wearing those around me out. I am letting myself become a burden instead of a blessing and I am seeking the attention of others instead of delighting in being your daughter.

Why am I so afraid to be ignored? It is when I have no other distraction that I find myself so much closer to you... so being forgotten for a time might be okay. But I am afraid I suppose... If no one is paying attention to me, then I can do whatever I want and not get caught... performance... I fear that is my life now. It seems to be the only way I know how to live. But I am so sick of performing. I am sick of reciting the right lines and seeking standing ovations. I want to be real. When the curtains close, the lights go out, and my audience goes home- who am I? And does that person bring a smile to your face?

I want to bring a smile to your face when no one is looking. I want to have the freedom to let go and let you be God. I want to have the wisdom and faith to see past my circumstances and see your plan. I want to trust that even when everything around me says it's game over, that you have a trick up your sleeve bound to wow me. I don't want to talk about you as though you are too abstract to know intimately. I want my life to be so wrapped up in our love, that no one can know me well without knowing who you are first. Who am I behind the scenes? I dont want to be a performer... I want to be real.