Believing For Better

I hate watching as the ones I love the most are making the mistakes I had to learn from. It hurts me and it’s disappointing to think that the prayers I’ve been saying might just be bouncing off the sky. Do you hear me pleading for them, Faithful One?

You promised me that I could ask for anything and that it would be done according to your will. Is it your will to watch them die? I don’t think it is… So why haven’t you shown them the way out? I know I can’t blame you though… they have to say yes before you can actually move in their lives… I know from experience.

But I can’t make them choose. And You can’t make them choose. And so it feels hopeless. I feel like my heart is breaking as I watch her pick at lettuce… as I watch him take another hit. It’s not fair. I feel righteous indignation rising up in me. I am angry because they are attacked and I can’t rescue them. I feel helpless and I hate knowing that all I can do is wait on Your Spirit. I feel like I am feeling Your pain. Like I am feeling Your heartache. And I'm reminded that I asked for that, so I can't complain.

I am recognizing that I have control issues. And if it were up to me, I’d find a way to lead them back to you this instant. I’d find a way to show them that you are Truth and Freedom. I wish they could see it in my life, but I’m afraid I have failed in those regards because I’ve failed to remain consistent. I have to remember that I am not a savior.

How do I show them you want something better when I’m only just now choosing better? I want them to realize the authority and power that comes with your name. I want them to know the fullness you bring and the void you are capable of filling.

Help me be an example, but more than that, help me be loving and gentle. Help me love them the way you do. Show me when to speak and when to listen. Give me Your words, because they are the only words of Life.

I need you to hold my heart because it's shattering at the thought that all of this might be falling apart. I am believing for so much of a miracle. And I know you're not too small for that. But I feel doubt creeping in. I don't want to doubt you. I want to believe you're doing something bigger than my imagination. I need a sign. Tell me that you hear me crying, Abba.

Maybe Ignorance is Bliss?

I can't collect my feet. I feel like I've completely face planted in this thing called life. I don't want to keep trying, but I don't want to lay here on the ground forever either. I thought I was figuring things out... It started out as such a slow walk, but it grew into a race and I was excited to see myself moving forward. Now I feel like I've come to a complete halt. I feel like there are things I'll never get past and that I'll never quite be alright.

She told me I was a liar- as if I didn't already know I had lied. But somehow that just reminded me of all the times before when I was reminded of who the original liar was and how they compared me to him. I was reminded all over again of the pain they caused me. And even though it wasn't all my fault, I had to take all the blame. And I don't want to take the blame for this.

She told me my absense would be noticed, but I don't believe here. I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference if I am around or not... I don't think I'm really that valuable. I'm just another number and when I'm gone, another person could replace me easily. I want to be alone.

She told me I wanted to be sad and asked me why. She said if I just laughed, it would make my brain happier. And it made me feel insulted. Like she was calling me stubborn or childish. I didn't want to be happy. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to reflect on my pain for a moment. I wanted to wrap myself in it and dull myself into it until it was a comfortable shell keeping me from them. And when she called me out, it made me feel even more like I wanted to run away.

It would be easy to run, to make the great escape, to numb myself and walk away from feeling. It would be easy to be selfish and avoid reconciliation. It would be easy to pretend like everything is alright all of the time. I want things to be easy.

But I know too much to believe that it's alright to do what's easy all of the time. It's like I've been let in on the secret to it all... and knowing that secret means I should have it all together now. But to be honest, I don't have it together at all. I found the secret, but the secret is that it's hard. It's really hard. And the secret is, that it takes sacrifice and commitment. And I think I might be too selfish for that.

I wish I never knew the truth. I wish I could blindly do what's easy and believe it was okay.