I know I haven't written here in so long. I don't know if anyone even remembers this part of my life. The part where I could speak painful truths and admit to being human. I have forgotten my humanity in the past few months. I have neglected my fragility. I have refused to believe that I can do nothing without You and I don't know if I am ready to face the honest moment where I admit I am nothing. I am nothing.
The acceptance of my nothingness once brought me so much freedom. The ability to say I am only human gave me the ability to forgive all my own faults, and the faults of others. But I have been so caught up in my own becoming, that my life has been reduced to nothing more than lists of things I need to do but don't have time to complete.
I am too tired. My heart is worn thin by all the giving and taking, the swaying of life from good to bad, the emotional roller coaster of forever balancing the words,"I'm fine" with the deep painful truth that I know I am not. It hurts. It hurts to know I am not what everyone wants me to be.
It hurts to know I will never meet the expectations of the ones I used to follow so religiously, and it's embarrassing to think that I ever did that. Why did I do that? Why did I think that following others was better than following You?
I remember the moment You kissed my heart. I remember the effortless feeling of falling for something I knew would always catch me. My safety net, my home plate, my secret hiding place. I have left You in an attempt to find myself. I let go of your hand and picked up the habits I swore I'd never have. I am a hypocrite.
But I can't say that it was for nothing. I know this journey is to bring me back to you, someday, somehow. I know you're still holding me, even if it's only splintered parts of me. You haven't left.
I ride to school some mornings and long to hear you, so I put on the songs we used to sing together. I remember singing them with others and I don't know why that doesn't happen anymore. I remember loving our family. Now I am only hurt by them. Daddy, my siblings hate me. That's exactly how this feels. Daddy, make them stop.
I was so angry. But that anger just exhausted me, so I forgave them. But that forgiveness doesn't heal the hurt, the bleeding, the aching, the screaming of my bones that I am still me. I am still yours. I am still human. The forgiveness doesn't change the fact that I am so scarred. My trust is broken. How do we fix that?
I need assurance that I'm still moving towards you. I need to know you still see me. I need you to expect nothing from me, because the expectations of this world have me hanging by a noose of failure and I know I cannot be who they want. I know I'm not meant to be. But in losing them, I feel as though I've lost you too, because they were my road map, my streetlights to finding Home with you. They were the ones who led me to the love we used to have...
I didn't mean to leave, Abba. I just couldn't breathe in the polluted air of their judgmental stares. I couldn't see you through their arrogance. I have blamed you for their humanity, I have left you because they said they knew you, and I didn't want to know the God they represented. I didn't want to know a God who couldn't love me.
I know you love me though...
So please... if you're still listening... will you send me another bird? Will you send me another street light? Can you send me another gentle word to show me I'm not alone? Tell me spring is coming, and we're going to our garden.
