It's been so long since I've given you time... Time to break me, change me, or cause me to question. I have so many decisions to make... but they're all meaningless without you. Only a crazy person would sit in this cold to write. But maybe I'm just crazy enough to think you'll meet me here in the snow and ice. Maybe I'm crazy enough to believe that what we had can be recovered. Maybe I'm hoping you'll meet me where the outside finally matches the inside. Maybe I hope in this crazy numbness you'll help me feel again.
This city is beautiful. The language is a mystery. The people are broken... but none of that has come to mind in three days. I've neglected to ask you what you want. That's why I'm losing myself here instead of finding you. She said a part of her still loves me, but I'm not the girl she remembers. I can't be that girl again though. I am different because of you. That's all I know. And to go back to the girl she loved would be turning my back on you. I'm going to lose her. I have become aware of that. But it breaks me.
Getting lost in a place like this is comforting. I feel like it gives the opportunity to ponder, to reflect. When the snow falls around me, there's something mystical about it. Like maybe living a little lost is okay. I've never felt like an outsider. I remember that conversation we had about what it means to be a citizen of Heaven; how not belonging to this world is supposed to make me so different. I've always lived my life trying to fit in, meet expectations, fill a certain role... here, I have no role. I am only a wanderer. a foreigner, getting lost in foreign phrases and letting instinct take me where it wills. This is how it should feel at home; this is what you're teaching me.
I didn't know where I was going today but I managed to find where I needed to be. The perfect metaphor of my life- always going and never knowing, yet somehow figuring it out. You sent me another bird, a reminder that I am going where I should. A bird to tell me it's okay to let go, to let you take control. In the midst of all of this discovery, broken glass still lays around me. Shattered pieces of things long forgotten, dreams released into the frigid wind. And somehow I'm not afraid of being pierced and left bleeding. You're calling me back, and effortlessly, parts of me are returning. But parts of me are clinging still to a love long gone that I can't say goodbye to. I am torn and worn out, but ultimately I know what I need to do. Will I, though?
You told me I would come here long before the opportunity came. And you intricately carved doorways in the abyss of yesterday. I followed what I felt was you when everyone else said I was wrong. But I know I've done things wrong to get here. How do I do what's right when it feels wrong? How do I accept inevitable pain to bring about what you've planned for me? How do I suffer well while no one else appears to suffer? Can I trust you with the pain of dying again?
Deutschland- my dream from you. To see bar rooms emptied and churches full, to see Bibles in the hands of students instead of cigarettes. To find truth for a nation that sparked so much change in your kingdom. Am I willing to be revolutionary? Do I love Germany with your heart or only mine? What is the difference?
I need you to change my perspective of loss, of being lost, of losing. Teach me to trust that you're not taking anything from me, but that you're giving me the chance to make room for something better. Show me that this is one way you love me. I need to know I'm not alone right now.
3/26/13
